What kind of discipline works for preteens? What I was doing before (consequences) certainly doesn't work any more. It seems to make him more defiant and rude, and we all end up yelling. He doesn't do his homework. All he wants to do is skateboard or play computer games with his friends.
The preteen transition is a tough one for most parents. Kids start to be heavily influenced by a desire to be respected by their peer group and that often conflicts with the standards we set at home.
Meanwhile, we lose the automatic respect that most young children feel for their parents and we have to start earning it. Parents who rely on punishment to control their kids (including timeouts and consequences) realize in the preteen years that it no longer works. In fact, we learn that it’s actually impossible to control them when they’re out of our sight, which they often are.
Many parents worry that they have to raise their voice constantly, yet their influence is still waning. Unfortunately, if we’ve relied on punishment, we’ve neglected to lay the groundwork that will ensure that a preteen “acts right.” That groundwork includes a strong parent-child relationship so the child really wants to cooperate and doesn’t want to disappoint the parent. It also includes empathizing with feelings so the child gains the ability to regulate their emotions, which lets them regulate their behavior.
Unfortunately, conventional parenting, which includes punishment, actually erodes the parent-child relationship so the child is less motivated to cooperate. And punishment doesn’t help children learn to regulate their emotions, so they have less self-discipline.
By contrast, kids who aren’t punished, but are instead lovingly guided to make reparations and solve problems, develop internal discipline and a strong moral sense earlier.
So, it works a lot better to just begin with respectful, positive guidance right from the beginning. That approach results in preteens who are respectful, considerate, responsible, self-disciplined and delightful right through the teen years.
But what if you’ve been using punishment (such as consequences) and your child is now 10 and acting disrespectful? It isn’t too late, but you have some catching up to do. Here’s how.
Start by committing to model a respectful tone.
If you’re yelling, stop. Really. Kids lose respect for parents who yell, so you have less influence. They also learn that yelling is how to express emotions and solve problems, so they yell, too. If you have a good relationship, it’s not necessary to yell to get your child’s attention.
Focus on strengthening the relationship …
... so that when you set a limit (“Homework before screen time!”) or express an expectation (“We speak civilly in this house”), your child wants to cooperate. Make sure you have one-on-one time with each child every day, during which you mostly listen. If your child is “too busy” to connect, give foot massages and connect through their passions; for instance, by listening to their music with them. You can’t hope to have any influence if your kid doesn’t enjoy being with you.
Help your child develop good judgment by learning to reflect on their actions.
Questions work infinitely better than lectures.
- “What were you wanting to have happen when you did this?”
- “Was there some part of you that said, ‘Don’t do this’?”
- “What got into the way of you listening to that part of you?”
- “How did that work out for you?”
- “How did it work out for other people involved?”
- “What else could you have done?”
- “Right, you could have done _____. How do you think that would have worked out? What would have happened then?”
Resist resorting to threats and punishment.
Self-discipline develops when the child chooses to give up what they want for something they want more. What do they want more? To follow your lead and have a good relationship with you. So, focus on the relationship instead of punishment.
What about “giving” consequences? That’s punishment.
“You should have done your homework last night. Next time I see you doing a rush job in the morning like this, you lose your screen time that day.”
This parent is concerned, naturally, about their child. But this approach has some unintended consequences. First, the child feels controlled, so they’re more likely to rebel. Second, they don’t end up taking responsibility for their behavior — they just get mad at how unfair their parent is being and blames them.
What if, instead, the parent empathized, asked their child questions and “wondered” to help them reflect on the effects of their actions?
“I see you’re trying hard to get that math homework done this morning. Not much fun to have to rush like that, is it? It also means it’s harder to do your best work and catch your mistakes. Let’s figure out a way for you to finish your homework at night so you don’t feel so stressed in the morning.”
The natural result of not getting their homework done the night before is having to rush to do it in the morning. If you can help your child notice that impact themselves — instead of using threats and control, which will just make them rebel — they’re more likely to take responsibility to act on that knowledge.
What if your child doesn’t step up and handle themselves responsibly? This is very common, especially when screen usage is involved. You’ll probably need to make rules to limit screen time so homework can get done.
Come to an agreement with your child on nonnegotiable family rules.
Discuss your family rules and make a written agreement. Stick to the important stuff, such as respectful tone, homework, family dinners and screen-time limits. At the same time, discuss what will happen if rules are broken. How will your child repair their mistake and restore your trust? You’ll find that when you discuss this in advance, kids often volunteer heftier penalties, and thereafter are usually more motivated to follow the rules. One of the keys to getting preteens to cooperate is letting them have some say in their lives.
Focus on teaching your child to repair their mistakes.
Worried that your child isn’t being “held accountable”? Introduce the concept of reparations. This isn’t a consequence (punishment) that you impose. This is when you ask your child what they can do to make the situation better now.
For instance, if they say something mean to their sister, they’ll need to do some repair work on that relationship. If they break something, they’ll need to help pay for a replacement. But remember that if you think up the reparation and force it down their throat, it only makes sense that they’ll reject it. Instead, let this be an empowering opportunity for them to learn that we all make mistakes — and we have the responsibility to act to make things better.
It’s like spilling the milk. We don’t cry over it, and there’s no blame or shame — but we do have to clean it up when we spill it.
Stop protecting your child from natural consequences.
When we worry about our child, we often intervene to protect them from natural consequences. So, if your child can’t seem to remember to turn in the permission slip for the class trip, you might want to help them brainstorm about how they can remember when they get to school the next day. But if they forget, they’ll learn an invaluable lesson. Don’t rescue them.
Be kind but firm.
Assume your child will test you to see if you’re serious. Stay cheerful while you keep enforcing the limits. For instance, be present during homework time and be sure your child stays on track with it instead of spending the time playing computer games with friends. If you have relied on punishment rather than helping your child develop inner discipline, this could take some time (weeks or even months). But after enforcing your rule for a while, it will become a habit, your child will reap the benefits of it, and they will begin to do it on their own.
This transition takes time and patience. But you’ll end up with a more cooperative, respectful and responsible kid, and enjoy a sweeter, stronger relationship with your child. That’s a true gift at any time, but especially before the teen years start.
This article was originally published by AhaParenting