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First lessons in responsibility |
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Written by Hilary Benson
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Jan 01, 2007 |
Some toddlers love vacuum cleaners, others love pots and pans.
18-month-old Taylor Kenoyer of Kirkland is fascinated by the
refrigerator. His mother made the most of this attraction; one of
Taylor's first lessons in cleaning up involved the 'fridge.
Megan Kenoyer says that for her son, putting his milk cup back in the
refrigerator is not a chore, it's a treat. "Teaching responsibility at
this age is really about teaching habits," says Kenoyer, a Mercer
Island kindergarten teacher. "He doesn't know why it is his
responsibility to clean up, but he thinks it is fun right now."
If toddlerhood seems too early to begin learning this mini-work ethic,
many parenting experts will have you think again. In their book,
Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, Foster
W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay argue that early responsibility leads to
increased self-esteem, "...a prerequisite for achievement in the real
world." As your child becomes more competent, he becomes more
confident, too -- a big payoff for lots of simple little steps you can
take at home.
Be a model
If you have ever dreamed of being a "supermodel," here's your chance!
Just make your "runway" the distance from the kitchen to the dinner
table, or the hallway between the laundry room and bedroom. Explain to
your toddler exactly what you are doing when you are setting the table
or putting away laundry. They will want to join you to "help," and in
the process, they will learn how good it feels to complete a chore.
Of course, the time to work on early responsibility is not when you are
putting away grandma's heirloom crystal. Think washcloths and plastic
cups. At this age, things will probably get dropped on the floor. Make
sure that it doesn't matter.
Some chores are best done by mom alone -- cleaning the bathtub, for
instance -- but even those chores can be learning experiences for your
toddler. Jean Westlake, the Early Childcare Manager at Seattle Central
Community College, says parents should explain what they are doing, and
why: "If we want to have a bubble bath tonight, we need to make sure
your tub is squeaky-clean." The toddler learns about positive
consequences for a job well done.
Be patient -- and realistic
When it's hands-on time, avoid showing impatience if your child is
truly trying to help. A child who feels bad about his work may not want
to try again. Put aside thoughts that you could do it faster by
yourself. Remember that these little lessons are an investment that can
pay off in the future, big time.
At Seattle Central's child care center, parents can watch their
toddlers through a one-way mirror. Westlake believes this observation
is important. "Sometimes parents' expectations are above where the kids
are," she says. "We can explain what is age-appropriate."
Give choices
What is it that makes perusing a restaurant menu, or even standing in
front of a buffet, so much fun? In a word: choice.
Toddlers like choices, too. If you let your child pick between having
strawberries or bananas for snack, whichever food is chosen will be
more appealing.
Cline and Fay believe that parents who make all the decisions for their
kids are doing more harm than good. "Our noble intentions are often our
own worst enemy," they write. By using a "consultant" style of
parenting as early as possible in the child's life -- offering choices
and asking questions about those options -- the burden of
decision-making is on the child's shoulders. A child who feels
trustworthy enough to make decisions is a confident child, empowered to
be responsible for themselves and certain tasks.
Offer praise
Debbie Kray oversees programs and exhibits at the Children's Museum of
Tacoma. In hands-on areas like the "Grubby Garden," and "Ready, Set,
Go!" kids can do what they choose. At the end of the activity, clean-up
is just another part of the game. A parent or teacher might say, "You
did such a good job. Now we need to get things back where they were so
another child can play."
When it comes to early responsibility, Kray and other experts recommend
giving praise instead of rewards. Linking work to a reward such as
candy or stickers, or trading for toys, can prevent a toddler from
understanding that helping is the right thing to do. Besides, as
Westlake points out, "Kids this young don't understand that five
stickers equals a toy."
As Megan Kenoyer helps her toddler take baby steps towards being
responsible, she gets daily reminders of how it will pay off in a few
years. With 22 kindergartners in her classroom, those little lessons
really add up. "I am thankful for the children who have learned
responsibility," she says. "When all the toys are out, they understand
that it is not my job to clean up after them.
Hilary Benson is a freelance journalist with three children. Her work has appeared in ParentMap, Seattle Magazine and on KING-TV.
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Ages & Stages 
