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Opposite-sex friendships only natural |
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Written by Brad Broberg
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Oct 01, 2006 |
About the time they turn 11, children begin to realize the world is
filled with twice as many people as they thought-- and half of them are
the opposite sex.
Triggered by hormones, the discovery is as old as the human race -- and
so is the angst that this milestone can cause for children and parents
alike.
When it comes to opposite-sex friendships among tweens, the questions
that nag parents most are: What is "normal" and how has "normal"
changed since they grew up?
The truth, uncomforting as it may be, is this: It all depends. "There's
a huge range of normalcy and it's all part of a child's personality,"
says Jerry Jackson, a Bellevue child psychologist.
Make no mistake, though. When girls and boys stop thinking the opposite
sex is yucky, the birds and the bees are almost always to blame. "Once
the hormones start kicking in, the opposite sex suddenly exists and
they don't have cooties anymore," says Kent child psychologist Cherie
Valeithian.
Attraction to the opposite sex is part of nature's game plan. An innate
ability to act on that attraction is not. Learning how to approach,
appreciate and understand someone of the opposite gender is an acquired
skill, and the tween years are the time when people take their first
awkward steps down that bumpy road.
"Think of it as a course in pre-dating," says Anita Gurian, M.D., an
assistant professor of psychiatry at the New York University Child
Study Center and executive editor of the center's Web site, AboutOurKids.org. "This is a time when children are learning to be comfortable with the opposite sex."
Federal Way resident Michelle Gridley couldn't tell exactly when her
17-year-old daughter, Madison, first became interested in boys because
she was very social from a young age and always had friends of both
sexes. On the other hand, her 13-year-old son, McKinley, has always
been shy, so when he recently began "making sure his hair looks perfect
in the morning," she figured something was up. "The phone rings all the
time and it's girls -- that's another clue," she says.
Gridley's approach to her children's discovery of the opposite sex is
one of cautious acceptance. "I'm pretty protective," she says. "As long
as I know the kids and I know their families, I'm OK. When it's kids I
don't know, then I'm uncomfortable."
No matter how innocent they may be, friendships that form between boys
and girls at this age almost always involve a distinct -- if nascent --
sexual undercurrent. "Kids can have [opposite-sex] friendships that are
not really based on sexuality, but it's always there -- and that's
normal," Gurian says.
So-called group dating is one way that tweens test the water. Three or
four girls and three or four boys will "just hang out together,"
Valeithian says. "It's like a transition phase between same-sex
friendships and coupling." In this situation, Jackson says, it's more
about "friendship and getting to know the opposite sex than sexuality."
Valeithian worries, however, that today's tweens are rushing through
this transition phase, adding that the media -- music, movies,
television -- has a huge influence. "Our society pushes them toward
[one-on-one] dating relationships so early," she notes.
The problem with one-on-one relationships is the
"do-they-like-me/don't-they-like-me" dynamic, experts say. One-on-one
relationships can drive tweens to "put on an act" instead of really
getting to know each other, Valeithian says. "The more opportunity they
have to interact without pairing off, the better," she says. "That way,
they don't have to play a role they're not ready for."
About the same time tweens start noticing the opposite sex, they're
making the leap from elementary school to middle school/junior high,
where older tweens become role models. "That first year, they don't mix
[between] genders much," says Gerald Denman, a former junior high
principal and current director of diversity affairs for the Puyallup
School District. "They're all waiting to see what's acceptable. The
next year is when they come into their own."
By eighth or ninth grade, tweens can "be very focused on wanting to
have someone of the opposite sex around," Denman says. Mostly, it's all
about biology. Yet other forces do come into play. Some girls, for
example, may prefer the lack of drama boys typically bring to
friendships, while some boys may appreciate the greater sensitivity
exhibited by girls, Denman notes.
Perhaps the best advice for parents of tweens is to let nature take its
course -- with a vigilant eye. Children must learn to walk before they
can run. Likewise, they must begin to relate to the opposite sex as
adolescents if they are going to relate -- and, at the appropriate
stage, pair up -- as young adults. "It's a necessary part of growing up
to at least have casual friends of the opposite gender," Valeithian
says. "Without that, it's hard to make that transition."
Brad Broberg is a freelance writer and former newspaper reporter and editor who lives in Federal Way with his 12-year-old daughter, Rachel.
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