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Parenting solo, Single parents rely on safety net of friends, family |
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Written by Paula Becker
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May 01, 2006 |
Jennifer Van Guilder of Snoqualmie became a single parent abruptly,
following her only child's open-heart surgery when he was 10 days old.
The resulting stress shattered an already-fragile marriage, and
Jennifer's husband left. Reluctantly, she put aside her
self-sufficiency: "I had to reach out and say 'I need help,'" she
recalls.
Van Guilder and her tiny son moved into her brother and sister-in-law's
basement. She paid the couple for food, rent and child care while
continuing her management job at Costco. Cared for by relatives who
loved him, Van Guilder's son formed strong ties to his cousins that
continue to enrich his life 13 years later.
In the palm-moistening, stomach-tightening high-wire act of single
parenting, a big net stretched underneath can literally save a person's
neck. That net is a safety network, an intricately woven mesh of
family, friends, employers, newly acquired skills and helping hands
from other parents who know the ropes.
For example, Van Guilder eventually found another single mom with whom
she could share housing. "We helped each other," she recalls. She made
the difficult decision to exchange her management job for hourly work
in order to have more time with her little boy. Selling Mary Kay
cosmetics to make ends meet, Van Guilder looked to the women around her
for help and emotional support.
"They never minded if I brought my son to meetings," she says. "I also
reached out to my neighbors and traded child care, and later to the
parents at my son's school." Van Guilder says she repeatedly found that
support was there for the asking.
When her son was 8, Van Guilder returned to a salaried position at
Costco after the company encouraged her to come back. "I laid out the
perfect scenario for myself, explaining what I needed as a single
parent, and they said yes. Costco really understands the value of
family -- whatever I have wanted or needed from them, I have had," she
states, acknowledging that such an understanding employer is rare and
an enormous part of her single parent's support network.
Locally, the number of single-parent families is increasing: According
to U.S. Census figures, 24.1 percent of all households in King County
with children were headed by single parents in 2000, up from 22.3
percent in 1990. The number of families headed by single dads in King
County rose from 8,339 in 1990 to 12,321 in 2000. Many single fathers,
says Laura Doerflinger, MS, LMHC, director of the Kirkland-based Parent
Education Group, "are left out in the cold because there really isn't a
Daddy network -- men are incredibly isolated and don't have the
established support network to reach out to."
Not surprisingly, the issues facing the growing number of single-parent
families vary widely according to individual circumstances. Former
spouses who share joint custody must help their children move between
households as seamlessly as possible, polishing communication skills
they may have lacked during the marriage or strained during the
divorce. Parents with sole custody struggle with the lack of respite
from parenthood's incessant daily tasks, often fighting to accomplish
basics like grocery shopping, homework and getting to work on time.
Personal needs like sleep, friendships, relationships and even time to
grieve are postponed, sometimes indefinitely.
Single parents with sole custody carry the anxiety of wondering who
would raise their children if they died. "Single parents clearly must
be ultra-responsible. Often times, there is no back up, thus making
sure wills are put together and that their child is provided for in the
event of their death is very important," Doerflinger explains. "Once a
single parent has done all they can to prepare for such an event,
worrying about the possibility of death is a useless expenditure of
energy. Your child needs you to be available and truly alive -- not
caught up in worrying."
Some single parents long for backup when holding the line with a
testing teenager. "Single parents have the challenge of trying to
understand their teen without the input of another adult. It can be
confusing and crazy making! You have the right to listen, help put life
in perspective, as well as turn off electronics, hold back rides,
refuse to buy goodies or pay for those expensive shoes, or even give
permission for outings," Doerflinger advises, adding that parents also
need to "listen and observe. Instead of offering your opinion, offer
your ear. Hear your child out when they are faced with a dilemma
instead of going straight into problem-solving mode."
Single moms struggle to facilitate male mentors for their growing sons,
as single fathers face such milestones as bra shopping and menstruation
with their daughters. The magnitude of single-parent life is by its
nature overwhelming, especially for a parent without close family
nearby. Reaching out and re-defining 'family' can fill this gap.
"Traditionally, children were raised by a wide variety of adults and
all the burden wasn't put on one person,"Doerflinger says. "So create a
community, enlist family, and keep your mind open to the experience of
your opposite sex child. Then, once a 'rights of passage' comes, you'll
be open, the child will be open and the experience will feel
comfortable."
Some single parents ease their load by hiring support in the form of
nannies, housecleaners and restaurant meals, but such parents are a
tiny percentage of the total population. For many parents who are
stretching one income, even an occasional babysitter is
cost-prohibitive.
Doerflinger objects to the label "single parent" for those with joint
custody, pointing out that these former spouses are no longer married
to each other but are still co-parenting. "When we become co-parents,
we are still in a system together and yet we have let go of our
influence in the other person's system. The only way to get it back is
to collaborate," she explains. "If parents can collaborate through the
rest of their kids' lives, they are giving those children an enormous
gift."
Collaborating can mean planning out how the child's transfer from one
parent to the other will be handled, working out a plan for getting the
child's pet from one house to the other or negotiating the details of
the child's school situation. Collaborating former spouses are able to
serve as a safety net for their kids and even for each other,
Doerflinger adds.
She recommends family counseling "to help the family as a unit," adding
that family reconciliation services are available through Washington
Department of Social and Health Services for families in any income
bracket. "Educated people still need continuing education" on parenting
skills, Doerflinger stresses, especially during a divorce when the
parenting landscape is changing. She also strongly advocates the
collaborative divorce process, explaining that it "engages a team of
lawyers, psychologist, financial analyst and coaches to devise a
win/win situation for a whole family."
To form a support network, Doerflinger advises single parents to "get
involved with your kids' friends and activities and prioritize staying
involved with married and divorced people in your community.
Participating in school activities gives you an instant social circle."
For many years, Jennifer Van Guilder has been involved with the Single
Parent Family program at Westminster Chapel in Bellevue. The program is
geared for parents who are divorced, never-married, widowed or
abandoned. It draws a multi-ethnic mix of Christians, Jews, Muslims,
Mormons and those of no declared faith for practical hands-on skill
training and support. The program is non-evangelical -- less than 25
percent of those who participate in Single Parent Family programs also
attend church services at Westminster.
Parents in the program credit its success to director Theresa McKenna,
a single mother who found no such support service when she was raising
her own children two decades ago. McKenna has created a place where
"everyone understands what I am talking about," Van Guilder says. "The
program is geared for single-parent issues with significant support for
single parents just coming out of crisis. It meets single parents where
they are."
The goal, McKenna says, is to "help single parents invest in their own
well-being and to help them get unstuck. Our program builds community
-- good, safe, healthy friends -- who are good models for each other,
and builds empowerment through competency." McKenna encourages parents
who participate in the program several years running to assume
leadership roles, teaching classes and mentoring new attendees.
For example, Van Guilder facilitates "Parenting With Love And Logic,"
one of a series of classes Westminster offers each Tuesday evening,
following a healthy dinner for both parents and kids. While parents and
a facilitator work through issues like "One Parent Plus Kids," "Core
Communication" or "Boundaries," younger children and teens split off
into their own skills-building sessions.
Parents at the weekly dinner exchange tips informally as they fill
their children's plates and gather around tables. One mom praises
Dinner's Ready, a commercial kitchen in Issaquah where for a reasonable
fee she was able to pre-make a month's worth of dinners for herself and
her son. Another, tending three little girls, says that finding
Westminster has been "a big relief." A newcomer nods in agreement as
the mom sitting next to her says, "When you become single you step into
another world." The strong sense of community these parents share,
their empathy for one another and their willingness to share advice,
helps illuminate the unfamiliar landscape of that challenging new world.
Westminster also co-sponsors Single Family swimming and games nights
and a yearly "Learning For Life" seminar with the Bellevue Family YMCA.
Classes teach concrete life skills like pitching a tent, how to use a
fire extinguisher, simple cooking and basic car care that might have
been handled by a former spouse. The Northshore YMCA in Bothell
sponsors similar events.
Westminster also offers the Gap Guys, church members who Van Guilder
says "are there to help us by standing in the gap." An email summons
these volunteers: Gap Geeks help with computers, Gap Garage Guys fix
cars and Gap Guys handle household maintenance issues. The services are
free and available to everyone in the Single Family program as well as
church members. The goal is to help single parents weave a support net
through skills competency, mutual support and personal empowerment.
"It's OK to take, to voice what you need," Van Guilder says. "Being a
single parent requires that you speak up and build your own community."
Phil O'Brien of Seattle, a single father with kids ages 9, 11 and 14,
also advises single parents to reach out. O'Brien has discovered that
other parents, married and single, are his best first-line support
network -- if he asks. "I've learned to be assertive and to humble
myself and ask other parents for help," he says. His children are also
part of his circle of support. "Trust your children and their ability
to be flexible. If you communicate to your kids that you love them and
they are your highest priority, they will make the best of any
situation."
Special events for single families also provide an instant social
circle. Jewish Family Service Single Parent Family Program hosts family
events in Seattle and Bellevue that provide a cultural or educational
focus for single parents seeking to foster a positive Jewish identity
for their children.
"Single-parent families logistically have a harder time getting out and
making connections," says Program Director Marjorie Schnyder. "Single
parents prioritize very carefully how they choose to spend their
limited time." Jewish Family Service events -- including a yearly
all-day retreat, Shabbat dinners or baking Hamantaschen cookies for
Purim -- allow single parent families to build community and evolve a
natural support network. Community, Schnyder points out, "puts to rest
the fear of being the only one."
Jennifer Van Guilder explains the concept of weaving the single parent
safety net with one succinct word: ask. People who respond and meet the
single parent's needs, she says, "are blessed in the giving. Everyone
is blessed when you reach out."
Paula Becker is a Seattle historian, freelance writer and mother of three.
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