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It didn't take long for Kathryn True and her husband John to decide
that they wanted just one child. "Once we got into the parenting
process, we were overwhelmed with the amount of time and focus that it
takes," says True, who lives on Vashon Island with 6-year-old daughter
Alex. "We felt like we could be much better parents to one person. It
also made more sense for us financially."
An increasing number of American families are traveling the road once
less traveled -- raising only one child. And the good news is that
parents of only children don't have to waste time feeling guilty. The
stereotype of the singleton as lonely and spoiled -- and the parents of
an only child as selfish -- is slowly being dismantled and replaced
with a more positive image.
One reason is increased numbers. In Europe, single-child families have
been nearly as common as larger families for some time, but singletons
were typically harder to find in America -- until recently. According
to the U.S. Census Bureau, the percentage of U.S. women having only one
child rose from roughly 10 percent to 23 percent between 1980 and 2000.
"About 20 percent of children under 18 are singletons," says Susan
Newman, social psychologist and author of Parenting an Only Child. "In
larger cities like New York, San Francisco and L.A., almost 30 percent
of families have a single child."
Experts say there are several reasons for this increase. Higher divorce
rates mean more interrupted families and result in single parents with
one child. More couples are starting families at an older age with an
increased risk of fertility problems. And there is the mounting cost of
living. According to recent Department of Agriculture statistics, the
average cost for a modest-income family to raise a child from infancy
to 17 years of age is $173,000 -- not including college.
Newman additionally points to the growing number of two-career couples.
If both parents have to work, it can impact their ability to afford and
logistically manage more than one child. "People are also realizing
that with one child they can be great parents and still have time to
pursue goals and interests," Newman says.
But despite the growing number of single-child families, many people
are still conflicted about the decision to stop at one. A common reason
parents give for having a second child is to provide a sibling so that
the first won't be lonely or spoiled. Even those who have made a firm
decision to stop at one sometimes wonder if they are somehow damaging
their child by denying them a brother or sister.
Part of the reason is the tenacity of negative stereotypes about only
children. Many of these blossomed in the late 19th century when
American psychologist G. Stanley Hall decided to study "peculiar and
exceptional" children. He concluded that only children were among the
most likely to be "peculiar" and stated that being an only child was "a
disease unto itself." Psychologist Alfred Adler echoed this, saying
that "the only child has difficulty with independent activity and,
sooner or later, they become useless in life."
This viewpoint went mostly unchallenged well into the 20th century.
Only children were frequently labeled as lonely, selfish and
maladjusted. Many saw singletons as unnaturally dependent or overly
mature for their age. It wasn't until the 1970s, when a new generation
of researchers began investigating only-child stereotypes, that things
began to shift.
When Toni Falbo started studying singletons more than 30 years ago, she
made waves by asserting that they were perfectly normal. Falbo, an
educational psychology professor at the University of Texas,
demonstrated through her research that only children were no more
spoiled, lonely or unhappy then their peers with siblings. If anything,
they had a slight edge over children from larger families. After
examining more than 100 studies of only children, Falbo concluded that
they "scored significantly better than other groups in achievement
motivation and personal adjustment." She says the findings probably are
related to parents' attention, time and resources. "If you have one
kid, they are more likely to get what they need," she says.
Falbo went on to study singletons in China, where reports of spoiled
"little emperors" followed the country's adoption of a one-child
policy. She again found that only children were virtually
indistinguishable from children with siblings. Another similar study
from the Institute of Psychology at the Chinese Academy of Sciences in
Beijing, published in 1994, found that gender was actually a much
stronger variable than family size. Girls consistently rated higher
than boys in achievement motivation and interpersonal skills.
Although child development professionals now widely agree that only
children are ordinary folk, it's taking longer for the general public
to shift gears. "I find that in this culture, most people expect you to
have two children," Kathryn True says. "The common response is, 'Oh --
only one?' Most people are tactful about it, but I still feel like they
expect an explanation."
Erica Nordlund, who lives in South Seattle with her husband Marc and
2-year-old son Angus, echoes True's experience. "There's still a social
perception about families with siblings and families with one child --
somehow having siblings is still better," she says. "It's in the little
things people say, like 'When are you having another one?' It's subtle,
but it's still pressure." Nordlund also cites the persisting idea that
parents should sacrifice everything for their child, a sentiment that
leaves some parents feeling selfish for not providing siblings.
Why the prevailing notion that more is better? "It's only been about
100 years since we curbed infant mortality," Falbo notes. "Before that
we had to have multiple children to end up with at least one. I think
there is still something built into our thinking at a very deep level."
Long-standing stereotypes can be reinforced when people selectively
hear stories that support them, Newman adds, such as adult only
children who blame an unhappy childhood on not having siblings, while
ignoring evidence to the contrary. "People forget that siblings don't
always have a good experience either," she says. "Remember that the
grass is often greener on the other side."
Another example is the idea that it is automatically better for a child
to have siblings to help deal with aging parents. "The reality is, when
kids get older, the elder care usually falls on one sibling -- the one
that is closest and most financially able," Newman says. "Then you get
siblings who complain about those who don't help out. There are pros
and cons to any situation."
Indeed, raising a single child brings its own advantages and
challenges. Some of the benefits are fairly obvious. Families with
single children generally enjoy more time and resources to pursue
personal goals, as well as to support the child's interests and
education. Travel is usually less complicated and more affordable.
Parents of single children don't have to contend with sibling rivalry
and can give their child more uninterrupted attention.
However, the flip side of that attention can be one of the challenges.
Parental expectations can sometimes fall heavily on a child who doesn't
have siblings to dilute them. "Our challenge will be to not feel like
we're investing everything in this one child," Nordlund says. "I don't
want to put that pressure on him."
It can also be tempting to do too much for a singleton without other
children to tend to. "In a multi-sibling home, so much goes on in the
morning that children dressing themselves is a given," Newman says.
"It's not open to arbitration as it is in many single-child families."
But many of the perceived challenges for single-child families are
surmountable with thoughtful parenting. Although it's true that
singletons don't have a built-in playmate, parents can easily tap into
community resources. "Children have so many options for social
activities and play dates," Newman says. "Many end up with sibling-like
friends." Parents can also be mindful of the temptation to be
overprotective or have unrealistic expectations of their child.
Newman encourages parents who are deciding whether to have more
children to focus primarily on what works for them. "Don't base this
important decision on other people's opinions or what they think about
you," she cautions. She points out that parenting style and economics
have a greater effect on a child's outcome than whether they have
siblings. An unhappy parent can have a much more significant impact on
a child's mental health then the lack of a brother or sister.
Although public opinion about only children is slower to change than
research published by professionals, the trend still is toward the
positive. "These antiquated myths are going by the wayside --
especially since the definition of family has changed so much," Newman
says. Eventually, she adds, having a single child will just be one
alternative, no worse or better than other choices.
Kathryn True is happy with her and her husband's choice to have one
child, and at this point, her daughter also approves of their decision.
"She knows we're not going to have any more children," True says. "She
often comments on how glad she is that she's the only child in the
family because she enjoys getting all of mom and dad."
This doesn't mean that True never wonders what it would be have been
like to have another child. "Life twists and turns and you make
decisions that send you on a particular path," she says. "It's normal
to look back at the other path and wonder about it. But as time goes
by, I appreciate our decision more and more, and see what it bring us
rather than what it takes away."
Lisette Austin contributes regularly to local publications. She lives in Seattle with her husband and 4-year-old son.
Tips for parents with one child
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Involve children in social activities from a young age. Join a co-op
preschool or regular playgroup. Regularly invite other children to your
home so that your child learns to interact on "home territory."
- Make friends with other single-child families. Knowing that there are plenty of "onlies" out there normalizes the experience.
- Tap into resources for single-child families -- parenting books, online discussion boards, support groups.
- Take another child with you on vacations, particularly as your child gets older. Or team up with another family with children.
-
Don't let others make you feel guilty about deciding to stop at one
child. Focus on what is right for you and your family. You don't owe
anyone an explanation.
- Remember that
being an only child is not a disadvantage -- it is simply a reality.
Some children will thrive and others will have difficulties, regardless
of whether they are in a small or large family.
Resources
Parenting books
Books for children
Web sites and discussion boards
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