Words of wisdom for first-time fathers
Not
to downplay the challenges of being a new mom, but becoming a dad
presents its own set of obstacles and surprises -- and fewer resources
to help you along.
Chuck Ault sees this
first hand, as the national training director of Boot Camp for New
Dads, which is offered in Everett, Puyallup and Olympia, plus more than
200 other locations nationwide.
I asked Ault about the biggest concerns that men bring to Boot Camp.
"At the top of the list is a fear of dropping the baby, breaking the
baby, those kinds of things," Ault says. "Another category has to do
with the new dad himself. What's he going to lose as a result of having
a child? He's concerned about his free time, his work, his finances."
During Boot Camp, Ault says, dads-to-be spend three hours with an
instructor and a team of "veteran dads." The veterans are previous Boot
Camp attendees who return with their 3-month-old babies. Everyone who
attends a Boot Camp class is invited to come back as a veteran, and
about one-third of the dads do so.
In addition to talking with Ault, I interviewed other parenting experts
and local dads to get their take on what new fathers should know. They
offered plenty of advice, as well as ideas on where to turn for help. I
also drew on my own experience with my daughter Iris (now 2 1/2). After
all, as one dad put it, it only takes a few months with your first kid
before you consider yourself the ultimate parenting expert.
Based on our collective experiences, here are few words of wisdom for new dads:
Sharpen those time management skills
"The hardest thing is finding time for your spouse and yourself," says
Marc Wilson, who lives in Kirkland with his wife Jennifer and their two
sons, Ty (3 1/2 years) and Trevor (3 weeks). "I work out of the house
and my wife is a full-time stay-at-home mom, and the reality is that
I'm number four on the list right now. It's not a bad thing; it's just
the way it is."
His words are echoed by Paul Nicholson of Woodinville. He and his wife
Kelli are the parents of Benjamin, 8 1/2 months. "Kelli and Benjamin
get up around 7 and I see them just long enough to say good morning and
good-bye," Nicholson says. "The alternative -- hanging around to have
breakfast with them -- would mean I get home later in the evening.
Either way I lose."
Randy Doyle, who lives in Orting with his wife Lisa and son Caydon, 22
months, teaches the Boot Camp class at Good Samaritan. He also
mentioned free time as the biggest new-dad shocker. "You don't factor
that into your life, because obviously your life ahead of time is
already filled completely with things," Doyle says. "And then you have
a child and all of a sudden this kind of bumps in the way of those
things, and you have to jostle your life around."
Unlike learning how to change a diaper or hold the baby, this is not
the kind of problem with an easy solution. If you feel like your time
management skills need work, now is the time to sharpen them up. (I've
suggested my favorite time management book in the sidebar.)
Mom will be the baby expert unless you plan ahead
Many parents find that even if they had a modern relationship before
the baby is born -- you know, shared housework, two incomes -- it's
easy for moms and dads to slip into traditional sex roles once that
little bundle comes home.
While that works for many families, if your goal is to balance
parenting responsibilities, you have to start planning for it before
the baby is born. "Jump in with both feet from the very beginning,"
Ault says. "If you flinch at all, you've sort of already started out
behind where you need to be. That begins in the hospital. For some, it
begins prenatally."
Consider reading baby books -- about pregnancy, childbirth, newborns,
breastfeeding, the works -- before the baby is born. (See the Resources
below for recommendations.) You'll have no time to read books after the
birth, but even if you forget half of what you read, you'll be primed
for baby troubleshooting.
Of course, books can only teach you so much. "Hearing about a baby just
isn't the same as experiencing it firsthand," Nicholson says.
Wilson agrees. "It's something you've got to experience firsthand to
know how to react to things, but I don't feel it's been as difficult
now, three-and-a-half years later, as I probably thought it was going
to be," he says. "Check with me in another three-and-a-half years."
Still, adds the veteran father of two, "I definitely think it's easier"
the second time around.
Even if Mom is the baby expert, you'll find a niche
"Kelli was adamant from the start that I play some part in parenting,"
Nicholson says, "and the assignment she gave me was to change diapers.
I'd get up a couple times every night to change Benjamin's diaper."
Doyle had a similar assignment. "I tried to take one feeding during the
night when the baby was feeding all the time, to give [my wife] about a
four hour stretch of sleep. That was a really good balancing thing for
us."
Note: If you're expecting a baby, and a four-hour stretch of sleep
doesn't sound impressive, trust me that soon you will be ready to kill
for two hours.
Doyle's wife suffered from postpartum depression, and this was another
area where he had to take charge. "If I was an expert in anything," he
says, "it was trying to keep the family aimed in a steadfast direction
while she was going through that."
Remember that mistakes will be made. "We did silly things like called
911 when we thought our first son was having a tough time breathing,"
Wilson says. "You know, 11:30 at night and the medics get here, and
they said to us, 'Oh, new parents?'"
Also, keep in mind that the rewards of having a newborn are rare but huge.
Soon, that baby will smile, make eye contact and roll over. Newborns do
none of these things. My daughter almost never smiled until she was 3
months old. We called her the Ice Princess. But that made the
occasional smile or happy gurgle that much more rewarding.
Nicholson puts it this way: "Even though to a casual observer Benjamin
was just a newborn, for me there was something special going on all the
time."
Matthew Amster-Burton is a Seattle food writer. Find him online at www.rootsandgrubs.com.
How dads can help with breastfeeding
Getting started with breastfeeding is hard -- the majority of women run
into challenges -- but dads can help with everything except the actual
milk delivery. "Don't count yourself out on that breastfeeding
experience," cautions Chuck Ault, national training director of Boot
Camp for New Dads.
For example, when my daughter couldn't seem to latch on and my wife was
in a lot of pain, I had no idea how to help. But I did have some phone
numbers. We made several calls to the lactation help line at Swedish
Hospital (206-386-MOMS -- available only to Swedish patients -- but
most hospitals have their own help line) and got useful advice. But we
needed hands-on help, so Swedish sent Judy Herrigel, a lactation
consultant.
Herrigel spent an hour at our home, recommending a new nursing pillow
and different positions to make nursing less painful. She also
explained that it's common for babies to have trouble finding the
nipple, and although it's extremely frustrating, Iris would get the
hang of it. (Herrigel was right.) Lactation consultants are also
equipped to deal with more difficult problems, like low milk supply or
infections. A home visit is $150, or you can bring your baby into the
clinic at the Community Birth and Family Center (see sidebar for info)
for $90.
"A mistake would have been to call in the lactation consultant and then
not participate in that visit," Ault adds. "You'll remember a lot more
than she [the mom] does of the visit."
I called Herrigel to thank her and ask her what else dads can do to
help with breastfeeding. "Making it really easy for the woman to have
water or liquids by her side, giving her something to eat," she says.
"My husband used to change the baby and bring the baby to me. If the
woman is pumping, help to wash up the breast pump parts and warm it up.
Or hold the baby if she has to pump after a feeding."
Or hold the baby afterward in any case. "Just after she breastfeeds, I
keep Trevor with me while Jennifer goes up and gets a nap in or just
has some time to herself," Wilson says.
Ault agrees. "One of the way guys can bond is to sit beside her while
she's feeding and be the burping expert," he says.
Resources
Boot Camp for New Dads: www.bcnd.org
Offered at these Puget Sound locations:
- Good Samaritan Community Healthcare
Monthly class
407 14th Ave. S.E., Puyallup
www.goodsambaby.org
253-697-5300
- Providence Everett Medical Center
Monthly class
Family Resource Center
916 Pacific Ave., Everett
To register, call 425-304-6000
- Providence St. Peter Hospital
Every other month class
413 Lilly Road N.W., Olympia
Register: www.nwchildbirth.com/Classes/Daddy_Boot_Camp.htm
866-770-BABY
The Conscious Fathering Program
Provides dads with infant care skills while stressing the benefits of
responsible fatherhood. The program is currently available at the
following locations:
- Auburn Regional Medical Center 253-333-2522
- Bates Technical Institute 253-680-7500
- Family Education Services 360-754-7629
- Gracewinds Perinatal Services 206-781-9871
- Highline Community Hospital 206-439-5576
- Northwest Hospital 206-781-9871
- Overlake Hospital 425-688-5259
- Swedish Hospital Ballard 206-251-3338
- Swedish Hospital First Hill 206-251-3338
First Weeks: Drop-in group for parents with infants up to 12 weeks
Community Birth and Family Center
2200 24th Ave. E., Seattle
www.communitybirth.org
206-720-0511
Lacatation Consultant Hotline
Home visit: $150
Clinic visit: $90
206-615-8078
Program for Early Parent Support (PEPS)
Groups form regularly
www.pepsgroup.org/programs/newborn.htm
206-547-8570, Ext. 10
Family Help Line: Free parenting information, referrals and support
Offered by Parent Trust for Washington Children 800-932-4673
Drop-in Fatherhood Group
North Seattle Family Center
www.parenttrust.org
3200 N.E. 125th St., Seattle
206-364-7930
2nd and 4th Wednesdays, 6-7:30 p.m., free
Books
Pregnancy:
Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn, by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley and Ann Keppler
The Pregnancy Book, by William Sears
General baby care:
Baby 411, by Denise Fields and Ari Brown
The New Basics, by Michel Cohen
Fathering:
Hit the Ground Crawling, by Greg Bishop (available from www.newdads.com)
Breastfeeding:
The Nursing Mother's Companion, by Kathleen Huggins
Time management:
Getting Things Done, by David Allen
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