Puppy love: your child's first crush

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Written by Linda Morgan
Mar 27, 2007
It's not easy to be young and in love. Ask any preteen girl. Most likely, she's obsessing right now over a boy in her class -- a boy who thinks having a girlfriend is cool, but is frankly more interested in who'll be playing basketball with him after school. The gender gap's only one of the hurdles youngsters -- and their parents -- face when they embark on those early relationships grownups like to call "crushes." It all begins around fifth or sixth grade. That's when a new gender awareness begins to emerge, explains Piper Sangston, a social worker at Chinook Middle School in Bellevue. "Kids start hanging out more with kids of their own sex. They don't want to be teased about 'liking' someone." By seventh grade, schools introduce sex ed, kids show up at school dances and sparks start to fly. "Things become more complicated," says Sangston. "Girls have to be prettier, nicer, faster -- and some of them start to do more." By eighth grade, says Sangston, best-friend relationships often suffer. "The girls have to compete for the boys -- and they sometimes betray each other to do that," she says. Some girls become obsessive. "They call the boy they like 12 times a day or write him multiple messages or create fantasies about him," says Bill Meleney, a marriage and family therapist in Tukwila and Tacoma. It doesn't help that 13-year-old girls are considered "culturally incomplete" without a boyfriend, he says. What are the boys doing amid all this chaos? Most likely, downloading the latest from iTunes or playing the hottest Xbox game. "Boys tend to be more casual about all this," notes Meleney. "If a guy likes a girl it's because she's cool -- or because he's trying to get into sex too early to prove something." He may try to prove something even if he hasn't had sex. "Preadolescent boys can begin to get this macho hypersexual attitude," says Dr. Janine Jones, a Seattle child psychologist who's on the University of Washington faculty. "They will talk like they are doing things when, in fact, they're not." That's when a father -- or a strong male role model -- needs to become involved, she says. "These boys need to learn what's appropriate and what's not. Stay connected Young love's been around a long time, but instant messaging, MySpace and YouTube have not. Thanks to the Internet, boy-girl relationships move at hypersonic pace these days. "It's a speedier rumor mill than 20 years ago," says Sangston. "The information is faster so the relationships are faster." And anything goes. "Everything's talked about over the Internet," she says. "There are no rules. And it's easy to be mean." That's why a very old game must be monitored a very new way. More than ever, Mom and Dad (or other caretakers) need to be firmly plugged in to their kids' lives, contends Meleney. "Parents should ask their kids a lot of questions," he says. "They should have their kids' friends over for dinner. They should meet the friends' parents." They should also respect their child's privacy -- up to a point. That point is the computer and the cell phone, according to Meleney. "That's where kids have no right to absolute privacy," he contends. "I have my son's passwords to MySpace and YouTube and I look over his email messages and cell phone bills," he says. "This is not negotiable. As long as he knows I may check out something and that I'm not interfering or even commenting on his life when it is appropriate or unremarkable, we'll be OK." Watch for red flags At the preteen or early teen stage, "relationship" is often code for "hanging out." It shouldn't be much more than that, says Meleney. But what if it is? What if it's way more than that? And how's a parent to figure that out? Keep your eye out for certain red flags, says Jones. A sudden drop in grades is one. Obsession with seeing, calling or emailing the friend is another. "If a child is so preoccupied with a girlfriend or boyfriend that he or she stops doing homework or is on MySpace too much, that's cause for concern," says Jones. And a parent's antenna should be buzzing if a child's overly secretive. "This is the kid who closes MySpace when the parent enters the room, or gets defensive when asked about school," she says. So how can you cultivate honesty in your child? Model it, says Dr. Miriam Hirschstein, a research scientist at the Seattle-based Committee for Children. "You can afford to be a little more open about your own experiences," says Hirschstein. "What was it like for you with your first relationships?" Use humor, she says. "Tell stories on yourself. Honor their dignity." Be willing to talk and joke, not just demand or lecture, says Meleney. "Kids who think their parents actually like and respect them and who know what the boundaries are will be much happier and well-adjusted, and more open to communicating." Linda Morgan, ParentMap's associate editor, writes frequently on education issues.