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Puppy love: your child's first crush |
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Written by Linda Morgan
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Mar 27, 2007 |
It's not easy to be young and in
love. Ask any preteen girl. Most likely, she's obsessing right now over
a boy in her class -- a boy who thinks having a girlfriend is cool, but
is frankly more interested in who'll be playing basketball with him
after school.
The gender gap's only one of the hurdles youngsters -- and their
parents -- face when they embark on those early relationships grownups
like to call "crushes."
It all begins around fifth or sixth grade. That's when a new gender
awareness begins to emerge, explains Piper Sangston, a social worker at
Chinook Middle School in Bellevue. "Kids start hanging out more with
kids of their own sex. They don't want to be teased about 'liking'
someone."
By seventh grade, schools introduce sex ed, kids show up at school
dances and sparks start to fly. "Things become more complicated," says
Sangston. "Girls have to be prettier, nicer, faster -- and some of them
start to do more."
By eighth grade, says Sangston, best-friend relationships often suffer.
"The girls have to compete for the boys -- and they sometimes betray
each other to do that," she says.
Some girls become obsessive. "They call the boy they like 12 times a
day or write him multiple messages or create fantasies about him," says
Bill Meleney, a marriage and family therapist in Tukwila and Tacoma. It
doesn't help that 13-year-old girls are considered "culturally
incomplete" without a boyfriend, he says.
What are the boys doing amid all this chaos? Most likely, downloading
the latest from iTunes or playing the hottest Xbox game. "Boys tend to
be more casual about all this," notes Meleney. "If a guy likes a girl
it's because she's cool -- or because he's trying to get into sex too
early to prove something."
He may try to prove something even if he hasn't had sex. "Preadolescent
boys can begin to get this macho hypersexual attitude," says Dr. Janine
Jones, a Seattle child psychologist who's on the University of
Washington faculty. "They will talk like they are doing things when, in
fact, they're not."
That's when a father -- or a strong male role model -- needs to become
involved, she says. "These boys need to learn what's appropriate and
what's not.
Stay connected
Young love's been around a long time, but instant messaging, MySpace
and YouTube have not. Thanks to the Internet, boy-girl relationships
move at hypersonic pace these days. "It's a speedier rumor mill than 20
years ago," says Sangston. "The information is faster so the
relationships are faster."
And anything goes. "Everything's talked about over the Internet," she
says. "There are no rules. And it's easy to be mean." That's why a very
old game must be monitored a very new way.
More than ever, Mom and Dad (or other caretakers) need to be firmly
plugged in to their kids' lives, contends Meleney. "Parents should ask
their kids a lot of questions," he says. "They should have their kids'
friends over for dinner. They should meet the friends' parents."
They should also respect their child's privacy -- up to a point. That
point is the computer and the cell phone, according to Meleney. "That's
where kids have no right to absolute privacy," he contends.
"I have my son's passwords to MySpace and YouTube and I look over his
email messages and cell phone bills," he says. "This is not negotiable.
As long as he knows I may check out something and that I'm not
interfering or even commenting on his life when it is appropriate or
unremarkable, we'll be OK."
Watch for red flags
At the preteen or early teen stage, "relationship" is often code for
"hanging out." It shouldn't be much more than that, says Meleney. But
what if it is? What if it's way more than that? And how's a parent to
figure that out?
Keep your eye out for certain red flags, says Jones. A sudden drop in
grades is one. Obsession with seeing, calling or emailing the friend is
another. "If a child is so preoccupied with a girlfriend or boyfriend
that he or she stops doing homework or is on MySpace too much, that's
cause for concern," says Jones.
And a parent's antenna should be buzzing if a child's overly secretive.
"This is the kid who closes MySpace when the parent enters the room, or
gets defensive when asked about school," she says.
So how can you cultivate honesty in your child? Model it, says Dr.
Miriam Hirschstein, a research scientist at the Seattle-based Committee
for Children. "You can afford to be a little more open about your own
experiences," says Hirschstein. "What was it like for you with your
first relationships?"
Use humor, she says. "Tell stories on yourself. Honor their dignity."
Be willing to talk and joke, not just demand or lecture, says Meleney.
"Kids who think their parents actually like and respect them and who
know what the boundaries are will be much happier and well-adjusted,
and more open to communicating."
Linda Morgan, ParentMap's associate editor, writes frequently on education issues.
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Education