• Decide what kind of a parent you are going to be. Kevin, mentioned above, has his priorities straight: "I'm real active in my kids' lives. I didn't want to be "Uncle Dad" who just treats them and disappears. I am still their father and will not give that up, and I think it's helped them."
• Recognize how damaging it is to bad-mouth the other parent, no matter how justified you feel. Your child comes from each parent, and her self-esteem is tied to both parents. If necessary, remind your relatives and friends to also avoid saying negative things about your former spouse.
  "My ex and I always try to speak positively about each other," says Megan, a 35-year-old mother of two who has been divorced less than a year. "I never want my boys to hate their father. They can call him whenever they want. If one of the boys says he misses him, we call."
• Do your best to promote a good relationship with your former spouse and the kids. Elena still has issues with her ex-husband, but she's able to set them aside for her children. These days, he sees them one day a week and every other weekend. "It's important to let the kids have their own relationship with their dad," she says.
  For example, if your child is excited about a school project or other activity, encourage him or her to call the other parent and share the news. If, like Joe, your child expresses anger by refusing to talk, don't give up. Keep reaching out in sensitive, respectful ways. Emails may work better for a time than phone calls.
• Don't defend yourself to a child who's withdrawn. Instead, be empathetic, Duroe counsels, and acknowledge you are there for the child during these difficult times. Even if a child continues rejecting you, keep the door open. Talk about school, sports or other areas of interest.
• Keep a calendar with activities and the other parent's time clearly marked. For young kids, give the parent his/her own color. That way a child can see that he has two more yellow days, and then it's time for mom.
• Avoid the "camping out" syndrome. Children should have their own "space," toys and special things at each parent's home. Better yet, approach it the way Megan and her ex did: "We told our sons, you have two homes now: one in Bellevue (and) one in New Mexico, where Dad lives."
• Keep family photos and other acknowledgements of the ex-spouse. (If you can't stand to look at the photos, don't tear them up: Your children may want them now or sometime in the future.) Megan's boys take special comfort in the T-shirts their dad gave them.
• Model the behaviors that get people through hard times. Being consistent helps the child realize that we can survive struggles, that life goes on and that we still go to school or to work.
• Maintain reasonable expectations and discipline. "It's important that parents enforce each other's rules," Solchany says. For example, she explains that if, due to kids' homework problems, her ex has decided there will be no TV for a period of time, she enforces it.
  "Over-indulgence is one of the ways parents ease guilt," she adds. "We all need to remember, no matter what's going on, kids will act up and look for weakness. Don't give up setting limits. When a kid is angry, it's OK to say, 'You can be mad but you can't call me names.'"
• As much as possible, strive for consistency and predictability in the child's routine. "Continuity is so important," Duroe says. If possible, don't sell the house, especially in the first year, she adds. Understand that while you may want a "whole new life," your children need stability.
• Kids often fantasize for a long time about the family being reunited. "Kids feel ripped apart inside and will do everything they can to get parents back together," Duroe says. She recalls one boy in a Divorce Lifeline workshop explaining that he had stolen a parent's keys so the parent would have to move back into the house.
• Get support for yourself and your kids. That was a crucial element in helping Elena get through one of the worst times in her life. When her marriage broke up after 12 years, she was pregnant with her second child and had a 4-year-old son, Taylor. "I did reach out to church groups and to different people to lean on," she says. Elena was lucky. She had supportive parents and a sibling who pitched in with driving the kids to activities -- and still do.
• Share information with your child's teacher, coaches and other important people, so they will be aware of the extra stress the child is dealing with.
• Try not to let problems escalate. Seek help before things get too difficult. You don't want to see a child of any age dropping farther and farther behind in school, Divorce Lifeline's Smith counsels. "Kids can get emotionally stuck, and academically behind, and start a vicious spiral that results in low self-esteem and poor behavior," Smith adds.
• Also expect delayed reactions. If your kid seems to sail through the first few months after the breakup and then falls apart, recognize the reality of the divorce may just be sinking in.
• Respect that your children have their own lives. Accommodate their activities into "your" time with them. Don't be like the parent who refuses to take his kids to scheduled practices that occur on "his" days. Expect that older children especially may not want to go back and forth -- they don't want the disruption.
• Recognize your child may blame himself. It's common for children to think that the divorce is somehow their fault, but they may not openly express it. "Kids believe that if they had been better behaved, the parents wouldn't be divorcing," Duroe says. Ask them directly if they think they are to blame, and bring the issue into the open. "Make sure the child knows that the break up is not their doing," she adds.
• Accept the ambivalent feelings your child has. They may be relieved that a stressful family situation is now more peaceful, but at the same time they want their parents living together.
• Finally, if your former spouse is unreliable or dangerous, it's clear that the safety and well-being of your children must come first. It's important that you acknowledge with your children the serious behavior on the part of the other parent: For example, "We can't change that, but we can help your heart feel better."

In addition, emphasize that the child can choose more positive ways to deal with life and problems, Solchany advises.

Kids of all ages who attend Divorce Lifeline workshops get a little soft heart they can put in their pocket. "It symbolizes whatever the child needs for it to symbolize," Eno explains. "I've even heard from a mom that a teen kept the heart with him."

It helps us all remember, perhaps, that scars of the heart can heal.

Deborah Berger is a freelance writer/editor and mother of one son.

Recommended reading

For kids:

• It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear, by Vicki Lansky. A read-together book for parents and young children during divorce.
• Dinosaurs Divorce, by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown.
• How It Feels When Parents Divorce, by Jill Krementz. (Nineteen children, ages 7-17, share their stories.)

For parents:

• Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman.
• The Good Divorce, by Constance Ahrons.
• We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce, by Constance Ahrons.
• "Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?" A Guide to Parenting Through Divorce, by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D.
• What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce, by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee.
• Taking the High Road. How to Cope With Your Ex-Husband, Maintain Your Sanity, and Raise Your Child in Peace, by Nailah Shami.
• Good Parenting Through Your Divorce. How to Recognize, Encourage and Respond to Your Child's Feelings and Help Them Get through Your Divorce, by Mary Ellen Hannibal.

Local workshops, groups, counseling

• Divorce Lifeline. Children's workshops for preschoolers, ages 6-8, 9-11 and teens. Also counseling, support and groups for adults. More information (King and Snohomish Counties): 206-694-5757 or 800-509-0515. www.lcsnw.org/divorcelifeline
• Jewish Family Services. Individual counseling on divorce issues for child and parents. Also a Jewish single parent family program. Locations in Seattle and on the Eastside. More information: 206-461-3240 or www.jfsseattle.org
• Parents Without Partners. Educational, family and adult activities. Call 206-517-2700 or visit www.parentswithoutpartners.org or local chapter Web site: www.pwp55.org
• Also check with your religious organization, which may offer support services and/or classes for parents and children who are dealing with divorce.