Nothing
in the world expresses pure potential like a baby. As a parent, you
revel in his coos, head-lifting and first smile. And as baby grows,
there comes a steady stream of tasks to master -- rolling over,
crawling, first steps. Along the way, the child meets challenges and
faces frustrations. How can parents encourage little ones to persist
and learn from mistakes, and how can they quiet a child's fear of
failure? How can we raise our kids with a can-do spirit?
It may
seem counterintuitive, but some child-development experts say that
doing best for your baby sometimes means doing less. In Your Self-Confident Baby,
author Magda Gerber writes, "My cardinal rule for showing your baby
respect is to become a sensitive observer." By slowing down, taking a
psychic step back and calmly watching her, parents can get to know baby
better. That in turn will help Mom and Dad more accurately address
baby's needs, which will ultimately nourish her confidence.
Here are some hints to help sow the seeds of perseverance:
Watch, talk and listen
There are several ways to orient a baby in her new world, says Gerber,
the founder and director of Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), an
organization that helps parents and children from birth to 24 months
learn to treat each other with respect. "The most important ones
include observing your baby in order to understand her, helping her
form attachment by talking to her and telling her what you are going to
do, being slow and gentle with her, and waiting before intervening."
When baby is upset, it can be hard for parents to accept; often we want
to change her mood or "shhh" her feelings so we feel more at ease.
Vicki Smolke, who teaches infant classes through the Bellevue Community
College Parent Education program, suggests that while parents meet
baby's basic needs, they also accept her range of emotions -- the cries
as well as the coos.
"I try to encourage parents to just be with the baby, with crying
included, and give time to see what the baby needs instead of quickly
trying to eliminate the emotion," she says.
Carla Hershman, director of the 0-to-3-focused Parenting Center at the
Seattle Jewish Community Center, encourages parents to cultivate
curiosity about their children. Imagine: What's interesting to them?
What's hard for them? This thought process is "very powerful because it
gives your child an even more active role in the relationship because
you are not presuming to know what they are thinking, need or want."
Be a supportive assistant
For little learners, offering the right amount of help is a balancing
act between "doing too much for them and doing too little," Smolke
says. A child who is just starting to scoot can reach for a toy that
has been placed far enough away for her to extend her arm. Put the
rattle too far, and the chance to succeed is beyond reach.
Gerber encourages parents to help kids develop problem-solving skills
by figuring things out on their own, such as pulling apart two cups
that are stuck together. "If you do it for her, you also take from her
a valuable learning opportunity."
Recognize the effort
According to Smolke, the healthiest way to praise a child is to give
acknowledgement. When your little one has success, such as bringing her
hands together for a first clap, mirror her happiness with a smile or
gentle touch. When children begin to use words, describe what you see,
and say, "You did it!" But Smolke suggests avoiding the expression,
"Good job," because it is a caregiver's judgmental interpretation of
the effort, and "older children pick up on judgment quickly."
And when things don't work out, empathize with a child's disappointment
and guide him into troubleshooting other options. Hershman says,
"Parents help teach kids to calm themselves down so they can go on with
their task of learning and exploring on their own."
Set the stage
When older babies start crawling, it's important to make their
surroundings as safe for exploration as possible. "If the environment
is dangerous, we spend more time as a parent saying, "Careful! No!
Stop! Don't!" Smolke says. "If we are always saying no, that drive to
explore becomes diminished."
Provide appropriate challenge
It's important to know where children are developmentally, Smolke adds,
and to have realistic expectations for their emerging abilities. For
instance, a child who struggles to build a block tower simply may not
be ready for that challenge.
"Our job is to help them develop (new) skills; they all have their own
timetable," Smolke says. Once parents know a new task is safe, we can
support kids' progress by offering new opportunities. For example, a
baby who is always given soft and pureed foods eventually needs to try
chewing and using a spoon. Smolke notes, "We know it will take twice as
long for the experience and be twice as messy, but how else do they
learn?"
Repeat after me...
Within limits, respect a child's need for repetition as part of the
learning process. For example, parents can allow a few sessions of
dropping something off the high chair. To ease the transition to a new
activity, Smolke suggests, you might say, "You want to keep trying to
see what happens when you knock the toy off the high chair. We'll do
that another time; Mommy has to do something else now."
Get giggling
Most of all, give yourself permission to play on the floor and have fun
with your child, and share the ups and downs of everyday life, Hershman
says. Whether it's the distress of losing a blankey or the joys of
exploring, these experiences "set the base for what will be an
intellectual competency and an emotional competency," she adds. "You've
got to have both to feel successful." And before you know it, your tiny
bundle will be bursting with toddler glee and saying, "I can do it!"
Michelle Feder writes about a wide range of subjects and has a 2 1/2-year-old son.
Resources for Parents
Books
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser
What's Going on in There?: How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life, by Lise Eliot
Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities-From the Very Start, by Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson
The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman
First Feelings: Milestones in the Emotional Development of Your Baby and Child, by Stanley Greenspan
Help! for Parents of Children from Birth to Five, by Jean Illsley Clarke
The Emotional Life of the Toddler, by Alicia Lieberman
Web sites
Zero to Three, at www.zerotothree.org, provides A-Z parenting tips and information on how your child learns and grows.
Talaris Research Institute offers a timeline for typical child development at http://www.talaris.org
The Resources for Infant Educarers, www.rie.org, features information and materials based on the teachings of Magda Gerber.
Classes and discussion groups
The Parent Education Program
at Bellevue Community College offers classes for parents and children
set in a fun, nurturing environment. The Infant and Wobbler classes
address family interactions in the important first months of the
child's life. See www.bcc.ctc.edu/parent%2Ded/default.htm or call 425-564-2365 for more information.
Seattle Central Community College,
through its Parent Child Center, offers classes for children 2 months
to 2-plus years and their parents or caregivers. To enroll in an
upcoming quarter, contact Missy Chow at 206-587-6906 or email
to be placed on the mailing list.
The Stroum Jewish Community Center
offers activities such as Wee Wiggle movement classes, Little Bubblers
swim classes, Listening Mothers new-parent groups, and Creative
Beginnings early learning classes. Open to people of all faiths. Call
206-232-7115 or see www.sjcc.org for more information.
Ages & Stages 
