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How to survive the mean girls |
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Written by Linda Morgan
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Sep 01, 2004 |
Think back to those girls in seventh grade. You remember them: the ones
who cried that a place was "saved" every time you tried to sit down
with them at lunch; the ones who bunched together in the school
hallways, forming a tight, select circle.
They were -- let's face it -- the group that shaped your middle school
experience and kept your emotions vacillating and spinning from the
highest highs to the lowest lows.
Call them Mean Girls. Hollywood did in Paramount Pictures' recent
satire about the way a new student navigates her harrowing school
social ladder. The movie is based on the non-fiction book, Queen Bees
& Wannabes, by Rosalind Wiseman.
Few girls survive their preteen and teen years unscathed by their
peers, Wiseman contends. "Every girl I know has been hurt by her
girlfriends," she writes.
Once upon a time, encountering cliques, "Queen Bees" and manipulative
or cruel girls was viewed as a rite of passage. Perhaps, some parents
reasoned, this was a way that their daughters could learn coping skills.
These days, the tolerance level for teasing, gossip and power plays has
declined, while intervention by schools has risen. What was once viewed
as girls-will-be-girls behavior is now labeled "bullying."
"We consider bullying -- including the mean girl syndrome -- peer
abuse," says Lisa Reynolds, intervention and prevention specialist for
Seattle Public Schools. "When it's repeated, it contributes to lower
attendance, lower achievement and depression. It can have devastating
effects -- and it's a barrier to learning."
Dealing with bullying and bullies has become a top priority for the
Seattle School District, Reynolds says. "The problem is pervasive in
the middle school age group. Kids allow their friends to treat them in
ways they don't deserve, and we're not really sure why."
One reason why is puberty, says Dr. Laura Kastner, clinical associate
professor of psychiatry and behavior sciences at the University of
Washington. At ages 10 and 11, kids go through changes that are both
physical and cognitive, she notes. At the same time, they are
developing socially.
"They join the new tribe," she says. "Every kid starts to want to hang
out with other kids their age, take on their customs and dance, dress
like and be like them. It's hard-wired -- like a bird leaving the nest."
The peer group becomes all-important and girls constantly scrutinize
their status in it, Kastner says. "Relationships matter more to girls.
Their conversations focus on physical attributes and on being popular."
How can parents help their daughters maneuver through these socially challenging years?
If your daughter is being victimized, help her come up with a strategy
that empowers her, Kastner advises. "It can be anything that gives her
a sense of control over that victimization," she says.
It helps when kids are part of several social groups. "When they have
friends in different pockets of their lives -- in soccer, school and
synagogue, for example -- they have a backup," she says.
In addition, don't intervene too soon. "This is the biggest thing
parents blow," Kastner says. "We have the 'mamma bear' reflex. We
immediately want to get on the phone. But it's better to bide your time
unless there's something really egregious going on."
In the Seattle School District, teachers are working with young
students to try to preempt teasing, cruel behavior and peer abuse. "We
start in pre-kindergarten to work on empathy training," Reynolds says.
"Later, we talk about power and how it can radiate or destroy. We
discuss ways for kids to use their own power in socially acceptable
ways."
Seattle educators hope students will recognize -- and report --
bullying when they see it, she says. "We'd like the kids to go to the
school before the parents do."
But when repeated bullying is going on, parents should contact the
school, says Reynolds. "This is harassment and it requires
intervention. The parents are notified and a behavior plan goes into
effect."
Typically, the girl who becomes her peer group's target finds herself
isolated and alone. "We're hoping the person doing the bullying will be
the one who's isolated," Reynolds says. "It's a slow shift, but it's
happening."™
Linda Morgan is a Seattle-area freelancer and contributing editor of ParentMap.
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