Conventional wisdom regarding temperament recommends that parents “work with your child’s temperament, not against it.” What this sage advice means is that you seek to understand your child’s inborn personality, accept its genetically-based limitations and cultivate its associated unique assets. The biological nature of temperament renders children blameless for certain unsavory tendencies they inherited, whether little Joey exhibits moody reclusiveness or a daredevil streak. As parents, we want to make the most of our kids’ personality strengths and minimize the potential harm of what could be weaknesses.

A shy, reactive child will be slow to warm up to new situations, need strong encouragement about participation in activities and thrive best in certain low-stress niches. His well-informed parent will understand that he needs firm nudges to join social groups but avoid overwhelming him with excessive expectations, especially in unfamiliar circumstances. The high-energy and thrill-seeking child will love activity, risk and stimulation. Her savvy parent will accept the chaos that accompanies her personality type and provide opportunities for her to explore her curiosity safely, learn to curb her excessive zeal and cope with limits.

Basic aspects of temperament endure from the cradle to the grave, but in between the role of nurturing is huge in shaping a child’s life. The introverted child may become a famous professor or a hermit, and the aggressive extrovert may become a successful entrepreneur or a con artist. Parent navigation plays a big (but not all-determining) role in the map-quest. Good and bad random events, neighborhood, school and financial resources also play large roles.

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By Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

Call it “entitle-mania” (we did in Getting to Calm and a past ParentMap article), or indulgence, or just plain spoiling, but many families do it and wish they didn’t. The U.S. financial sector is not the only economic system that needs fixing. Most families admit to lacking optimal policies for teaching their kids the value of a dollar. They also acknowledge that spoiled kids are a big pet peeve. The trap is easy to identify—kids are easier to deal with when you give them the stuff they want and a break on chores.

One parent I see in my practice put it this way, “I know I should “just say no, but I hardly even see my son because of his busy high school schedule. Plus, he’s always so grumpy and annoyed with me. When I buy him what he wants or do his chores for him, he turns all sweet and affectionate. I can’t help myself—I give in all the time.”

As parents, it is our responsibility to prepare children for the adult world in which they will need to live within a budget and do a lot of drudgery and household chores. Therefore, we need to incorporate these experiences into a child’s life from early on. Even two year olds can put their toys away and pour kibble into the pet’s bowl. By adolescence, they should be helping with just about every household task at some point. Yes–even if they are studying for SAT’S, taking AP’s and keeping up their GPAs.

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Andy loves to watch things blow up. He likes violent computer games, fireworks and paint-ball. He’s already been caught purchasing M-80’s online. His parents wonder what Andy’s obsession about explosives is all about.

Jayne is one of those girls who liked to act like a teenager when she was 6 years old, especially the sexy ones depicted on MTV and in celebrity magazines. She loves make-up, shopping and suggestive dancing. It was all her parents could do to keep her from having sex before the age of 14.

Conrad is a regular guy who loves sports, his buddies and fun. Early maturation, good looks and popularity landed him invitations to parties and dates in middle school. At 13, his parents feel like they need to police his phone, computer and even his bedroom windows.

The biological drive for risk-taking is influenced by both genes determining temperament and the brain/hormonal changes of early adolescence. Andy, Jayne and Conrad want to experience excitement due to hard-wired and genetically-programed predispositions originating in their brains. Articles on zeal and yearning delve into the nature of these motivational forces and the ways they can produce both impressive competency-building and scary risk-taking.

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What images surface for you when you think of “mental illness”? Do you assume that an afflicted person is permanently damaged, compromised and diminished? Do you feel as much empathy for the person and her family as you would if the condition were cancer? Does it inspire you to hear that the person has recovered from her mental illness, become a huge success in her field and shared her heart-wrenching psychiatric history with the world?

One of Seattle’s treasures, Dr. Marsha Linehan, shared her personal history of mental illness with the world this week. Dr. Linehan is a world-famous psychologist, researcher and creator of “dialectical behavioral therapy” (DBT). Her story was printed on the front page of the New York Times. The number of comments listed in its online version is a testament to how many people she has touched with her brave and intimate account of her hospitalizations, electroshock therapy, suicide attempts and self mutilation.

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By Laura Kastner

“All my kid cares about is friends. He couldn’t care less about school”, says one parent.
“My daughter never goes out because she is so shy. I worry about her self esteem and stunted social skills”, says another.
“With the amount of video-gaming my son does, I think it’s been months since he last hung out with friends while looking at their faces!” says yet another.

All parents want their children to have healthful relationships, social “bonds” and support. They know that social skills are crucial for the two most important human endeavors, work and love. Most parents understand that without social intelligence, a big fat intellectual quotient (IQ) is fairly useless.

Understanding the way the brain is wired to connect with others can motivate parents to prioritize social relationships and “face time” during childhood and adolescence. As messy as peer relationships can get during the teen years, parents need to value them as much as academic and athletic prowess if they want a good future for their children.

In this article, I will first explain the nuts, bolts and scaffolding of social development. Then, I will provide advice for parents in their support role. There are some “do’s” and “don’ts” that can make a big difference in nurturing positive friendships.

Brain science research has demonstrated that our brains are wired for social connections with others from the get-go. Babies in the womb activate in response to their mother’s voices. After birth, they prefer a face to other visual stimuli. Babies can mimic a person’s tongue thrusting in the first weeks of life. They are social sponges, responders and engines, with neural connections blossoming in direct relationship with their experiences. Social relating literally sculpts the brain, because the neurons that fire together, wire together.

All of this fancy social capacity is preparing children for the dance of relationships which will ultimately influence just about every aspect of their lives. Social and emotional centers in the brain are intermingled in a spectacular orchestration of neural pathways, allowing humans to become attuned to what others are feeling, learn how the social world works, and figure out how to interact smoothly with others. (more…)

By Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

Todd (age 16) was caught cheating on a test at school.

Anna (age 12) forwarded a text message to her whole class referring to a friend as a “fatty”.

Patrick (age 14) lied about his whereabouts, so he could go to an unsupervised all-night party.

At this point, are you making any assumptions about which child needs the most significant disciplinary intervention to learn from his or her mistake? The Latin root of discipline is “discere”, which means “to teach or to learn”. Punishment, or imposing a penalty beyond the negative consequences that may naturally occur from the mishap, can be a component of a parent’s decision, but not necessarily.

The parent’s goal when deciding disciplinary actions should be the child learning from mistakes. The art and science of this ambitious agenda involves parental judgment about how to best accomplish this objective.

When parents ask psychologists about disciplinary matters, one of our most common refrains is, “It depends”. It may sound dodgy, but deciding on effective discipline requires considering many factors, like age, circumstances of infractions, behavioral history, temperament, and parenting values. Judgment calls are needed to comb through the details and focus on “how can my child learn and grow from this experience?” (more…)

By Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

“I’m going to start a car washing business this summer!” “I’m writing a graphic novel that will be a science fiction version of the Odyssey!” “I raised money for a girls’ school in Iraq!””

“Let’s get some beer and meet in the park!” “Let’s skip class so we can skateboard on our new half-pipe!” “Everybody loves the photo of you in your underwear that I posted on my Facebook wall!”

All of these scenarios involve zeal. By “zeal”, I mean energy directed toward a rewarding experience, which may be associated with a particular goal beyond the experience itself—or not. Of course, parents would prefer their children personify the first cluster of examples, and prudently avoid the second.

Oh, and by the way—the kids in the first cluster? They are the same ones as those in the second cluster, respectively. Zeal in a child doesn’t always get directed to both good and bad ends—just usually. We all know straight-arrow kids who are uncomfortable with anything but painting within the lines and directing their laser-like attentions toward lofty goals, like a chess championship or winning state in the butterfly stroke.

But most kids are like garden hoses. They flail around with their flow of energy and focus, drawn to learning juggling from YouTube one day, re-reading Calvin and Hobbes for the umpteenth time the next day, and daring to write a poem to a new love interest the next.

Daniel Goleman included zeal as one of the facets of emotional intelligence. Along with a pile of other strengths, kids with a lot of zeal can turn into some of our most spectacular star performers. Zeal is the intense drive that entrepreneurs demonstrate on their path to success. But as many a mother has said, “I know Janie will be successful someday—with all her high-voltage enthusiasm—but first she has to live through her childhood…and so do I!”

Here are the questions parents typically ask me about zeal:

• How do I control the bad kind of zeal (e.g. rule-breaking, acting up in class, dominating siblings) while trying to encourage the good kind (e.g. trying new hobbies, positive leadership and working hard in school)?
• How do I know if I’m stifling my child’s natural zeal with over-scheduling?
• How do I help my child direct her zeal in productive ways so she can find her passion? (more…)

by Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

Few things are brought to a successful issue by impetuous desire, but most by calm and prudent forethought. —Thucydides

Don’t you love the way the old philosophers defined big truths way back in the old days? First, a word of endorsement for desire—desire for food, sex and challenging goals make life possible, after all. But self discipline and dogged effort allow us to organize a civil society and meet those big goals. If you prefer to step outside the philosopher’s corner, we could also discuss how cultural, secular and religious groups address moral questions to help children learn right conduct, the difference between right and wrong, and control over desires. However, I’m going for some practical parenting advice here.

Parents help their children manage their myriad yearnings most effectively with positive encouragement, external rules and boundaries and strategic coaching about emotions and decision-making. How to bundle these up in wise parenting is the focus of this article.

Healthful life habits are groomed by “prudence and forethought”, even though we will fall off-track daily due to the intense power of our emotions. Our book, Getting to Calm, was so named to emphasize the important role of a calm emotional state in optimizing parental wisdom and conduct. I don’t want to downplay the importance of zeal and vitality in human endeavor, but that will be the subject of my “Z is for Zeal” article.

Everyone struggles with desire and temptation. Children and teens struggle even more than adults because their impulse control circuits are immature. Even though they know that certain things are wrong—like hitting a younger sibling, telling a lie, and stealing from your coin dish—temptations abound. Emotionally-driven impulses often trump sound judgment. Johnny hits his sister because she is getting your attention, lies about where he went after school to avoid getting into trouble, and steals the money to buy candy.

What parent doesn’t want his or her child to learn delayed gratification, self discipline and management of impulses? Who among us in the parent sector doesn’t contend with misplaced desire, whether it be reaching for the ice cream instead of exercising, going online instead of engaging with our loved ones, or pulling out the credit card rather than sticking to the budget? If adults would fully acknowledge how much they wrestle with own impulses and desires, perhaps they’d be better equipped to appreciate how hard it is for their kids “to do the right thing”. Teaching children moral reasoning is one thing, moral conduct is another. (more…)

By Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

A teenager told me last week that everyone she knew cheated on book reports by lifting stuff off the Net instead reading the books. She claimed that it “takes too long to read a book.” She described how her generation hated wasting time on slow communication. She added, “It’s like why I don’t read emails from my relatives. I pretty much connect by texting—it’s fast and easy. I don’t even listen to voicemails. It takes too long.”

She’s even bored with TV these days. Instead, she simultaneously watches videos, texts, Facebooks and plays her favorite online game, FarmVille. She sheepishly admitted, “It’s addictive and expensive, but it gives me such a thrill when I go online to see how much the seeds I purchased have grown!” The seeds might be fake—or virtual as we say—but hey, it doesn’t stop the thrill of the blossom.

Quick. Easy. Connect. Thrill. Addictive. Expensive. These words sum up a lot of the downside of technology invading children’s lives and hijacking the time that used to be spent outside, reading, creating, reflecting or socializing with direct face to face interaction.

Little releases of dopamine, the neuro-chemical associated with pleasure in the brain, keep us pecking away at our machines for those jolts of good feeling. Unfortunately, these highly rewarding encounters with machines can often occur more reliably and effectively than with a conversation with a loved one. Herein lies (one aspect of) the problem.

The Kaiser foundation found that the average American kid spends 7 and a half hours a day engaged with TV, video games and the Net.  Add cell phones and multi-screening. and the number goes up to 11 hours a day. And the heaviest media users were more likely to be obese, sad, and doing poorly at school. No wonder this phenomenon has been called an assault on “family life as we’ve known it” for thousands of years.

On the other hand, young people in rural communities or developing countries can access information, education and employment over the Net. Children with disabilities and problems can feel less isolated when they join interest groups. Marginalized youth find resources that can make the difference between alienation and knowing that a wider world view suggests that life “gets better”.

New technology has always been associated with both fear and excitement. The telegraph, telephone and television had their detractors. People end up saying, “It’s here to stay, so you might as well learn to deal with it.” What does that mean for parenting and preventing screens from taking over your child’s social and mental lives in the 21st century?

I can sum up my advice in 4 steps for dealing with the new technology and media in your child’s life and your own: T.E.C.H.

Take time to learn it
Exercise control over it—make and follow rules
Consider tracking and filtering it
Harness the best, and zap the rest! (more…)

By Laura Kastner, Ph.D.

Is it a surprise to anyone that helping children do well in school is part of successful parenting? Virtually all parents want to reach this goal. As with so many noble parenting goals, the devil is in the details. Many well-intentioned parents do too much, too little or bark up the wrong trees when it comes to school support. I will summarize the basics succinctly so that I can focus on some of the subtleties of the support role which are misunderstood by even the most competent of parents.

Many studies have shown that parental involvement with children’s learning predicts school achievement, which in turn predicts how well they thrive in life. The key ingredients include:

• High (but not unrealistic) expectations for school achievement
• A home environment that supports learning (e.g. setting aside homework time, preventing distractions like media, mandating bed times, maintaining good family relations and positive affirmations about work efforts)
• Involvement in the school and community
• Parents who role model intellectual curiosity, rich conversations at the dinner table, reading for pleasure and lifetime learning interests.

These recommendations are ubiquitous and uncontroversial. Now for the nitty-gritty of how the parent role can go haywire.

The student’s performance, attitude and feelings about school

As students proceed through elementary school, parents should expect their child to do satisfactory work, like school and feel comfortable there (mostly). If not, parents should consider meeting with the teacher and doing some problem solving, so that this pattern does not become entrenched. Children develop what I call an “academic identity” early in childhood: “I am a bad,/adequate/excellent student.” When children report that they hate school, it means that they are not thriving there, and the “hate” is a defense against the terrible feeling of vulnerability.

Concerns about learning problems, disabilities and attention deficit disorder can surface at any point in a student’s life. Children can  struggle or underachieve for many other reasons, including complications of their temperament, social or emotional issues, school context or family dynamics. Parents should seek the help of teachers and specialists to address these concerns. It is the parent’s responsibility is to help address these problems.

One of the developmental tasks of 6 to 12 year olds is to feel competent about what they do academically and socially. Hating school or doing unsatisfactory school work should be considered as perilous as being diagnosed with an illness. You’d take your child to a doctor wouldn’t you? He’s got the school blues? Schedule a meeting with the teacher!

If your child’s teacher advises an assessment, tutoring or any other recommendation, follow it unless you have a really good reason not to trust the teacher’s opinion. Parents that jump in, mobilize action plans, cheer on their kids, avoid blaming and take a problem-solving approach are heroes in my book. If the best of plans results in B’s and C’s (due to the complexity of the achievement problem) and the parents stay positive and supportive of their children, then they are super-heroes. It’s a crying shame how often well-meaning but anxious parents end up blaming their children for “poor motivation”. Negativity eats away at the parent-child relationship and does not enhance that flagging motivation. (more…)