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Managing Behavior

Positive parenting strategies, discipline tips and guidance for navigating kids’ everyday behavior challenges with confidence and consistency.

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Managing Behavior
'How Can I Empower My Son to Do the Right Thing?’

Help kids beat the bystander effect and find the courage to act when it matters most Q: Everything that has come to light recently about the alleged gang rape at Cornell is horrific. One detail that has really impacted me is that more than 50 men reportedly received group chat messages about the assault on Jane Doe. Seven are accused of participating, and the apparent failure of others to intervene is deeply disturbing. This is every parent's nightmare. How can we raise our kids to feel empowered rather than paralyzed in these moments? — Seattle parent I share your horror. The allegations are still being investigated and contested in court, but the group chat raises a haunting question for parents: When young people know someone may be in danger, what helps them find the courage to act? Not long ago, I worked with a teen (I'll call him Robert) who was at a party in a basement rec room when he heard a girl's protests through the laundry room door. A popular friend of his was in there, forcing himself on her. Robert banged on the door and got his friend to stop. You’d think he’d be the hero of the story. Instead, his friends mocked him with name-calling about his prudery, and some even defended the friend. Doing the right thing cost Robert socially, at least for a while. But he never regretted it. He learned something important that night: He could withstand his friends’ disapproval and still feel good about himself. That’s the kind of courage we want our children to develop. Why is it so hard for teens to step in? Why do people sometimes stand by when someone desperately needs help? Decades of psychological research offer some explanations. When something shocking or threatening happens, our brains can stall while we try to make sense of what we’re seeing. Social psychologists have identified another powerful obstacle: the bystander effect. The more people who witness a problem, the less responsible each one feels to act. Everyone assumes someone else will take care of it. Now put that in a group chat. Dozens of people see a disturbing message. Each assumes someone else has it covered. Add joking language that makes a crime sound like party banter, and everyone looks around for cues. When nobody reacts, silence begins to look like permission. Or picture a young man in the wild chaos of a party, glancing at a quick snap. He might think, “Maybe I didn't read that right.” Recognizing what’s happening would mean facing a frightening decision, with consequences for his friendships and social standing. For teens and young adults, those social pressures are especially powerful. Psychologist Laurence Steinberg’s research shows that adolescents make riskier choices when peers are watching. The fear of looking uncool, disloyal or “dramatic” can loom large when a young person is deciding whether to speak up. And sometimes the problem goes deeper than individual hesitation. Peer groups can develop cultures in which degrading jokes, sexual aggression, and loyalty to popular members become normalized. Speaking up then requires challenging the group’s unwritten rules. What can help teens find the courage to intervene? Research on bystander programs offers encouraging evidence: Young people can learn to intervene, although some gains fade over time. And repetition matters. In Coaching Boys into Men, athletic coaches have brief, regular conversations with players about respect, healthy relationships and speaking up. A randomized high school trial found reductions in some forms of abusive behavior. Another program, Green Dot, trained students in 26 Kentucky high schools to recognize risky situations and intervene. Researchers documented meaningful reductions in sexual violence and related aggression over five years. The common ingredients are trusted adults, concrete strategies and repeated opportunities to practice. In other words, steady drips beat a single deluge. I’ve also heard heartening stories from parents and college students about fraternities responding to the Cornell allegations. Some are repeating a message about their own group identity: “That's not us. We’d step in and stop it. That’s who we are in this house.” That appeal to identity matters. Most young men want to be the good guys in their own stories. When a peer group makes protecting vulnerable people part of its shared identity, speaking up becomes easier. A helpful framework: The caring question I’ve long been influenced by philosopher Nel Noddings and her “ethic of care.” People often tell boys, “How would you want your sister treated?” It’s a useful question, but I think we can ask more of them. A girl at a party deserves protection simply because she is a person, right there, who needs help. The social world of adolescence is a fog of loyalty, status, humor and substance use. Teens encounter moral dilemmas they’ve never faced before, often when their judgment is already compromised by excitement, fear or peer pressure. We can give them a question to return to, again and again: What’s the caring thing to do right now? Caring sometimes requires uncomfortable action. It may mean risking your popularity, interrupting a friend, or making a phone call nobody wants you to make. Sometimes the answer is banging on a laundry room door. More often, it’s something smaller: refusing to laugh at a degrading joke, checking on someone who’s being humiliated, or sending an empathic text to a troubled friend. Everyday moments give kids opportunities to practice the values they’ll need when the stakes are much higher. What should parents do to encourage kids to be the one to act? Research on parent-teen conversations about sex has taught us something important. One big, intense conversation rarely accomplishes much. Teens tune out lectures and start managing the parent instead of listening. The encouraging news is that parents who keep conversations going, warmly and consistently, and who share their values make a difference in the healthy choices their teens make. Here’s what I love about that finding: We parents have more influence than our eye-rolling teens would ever admit. Ask before you tell. Try, “What would you do if a message like that showed up in your group chat?” Give your teen time to think through the situation. Ask what might make it difficult to respond and what options they can imagine. Conversations work best when kids do some of the thinking. Understand the social risk. If your teen says, “I wouldn’t want to be a snitch either,” resist the urge to correct them immediately. Try, “Yeah, that’s a real fear. Nobody wants to lose their friends.” Once they feel understood, you can ask, “So what could you do that would help someone and feel manageable to you?” Understanding their dilemma keeps the conversation open. Practice the three D's: Direct, Distract, Delegate. Bystander programs teach young people several ways to intervene. They can directly interrupt a situation, distract the people involved, or delegate by getting help from friends, trusted adults, campus staff or emergency services. If a group chat suggests an assault is happening, calling for immediate help may be the safest and most effective response. Kids need concrete options they can actually imagine using. Redefine loyalty. A real friend stops their buddy from committing a crime that could devastate someone’s life. Talk about what friendship requires when someone is crossing a serious line. Teens can learn that protecting a friend sometimes means confronting them or getting help. Be their safety net. Many kids hesitate because they’ve been drinking, broken a rule or attended a party they weren’t supposed to attend. Say it plainly and often: “Call me anytime, any hour. I'll come get you or help you figure it out. No lecture.” Kids who trust that promise have one more option when trouble erupts. Keep the conversations going. News stories, movies, group chats and everyday school dramas provide endless opportunities. A few minutes in the car, on a dog walk or while chopping vegetables can be more productive than a formal kitchen-table interrogation. Ask what your teen thinks, share your values and leave room for the next conversation. These lessons apply to daughters, too. Girls can be bystanders, defenders of perpetrators, and powerful leaders in helping their peers do the right thing. And throughout these conversations, emphasize safety. Nobody should put themselves in danger. Getting help is a courageous and caring choice. Dr. Laura’s bottom line We can’t promise our kids they’ll never freeze, or that doing the right thing won’t cost them socially. But we can give them practice, permission and a plan. Robert needed to care enough about that girl’s safety to risk his friends’ disapproval. When he heard her protesting behind the laundry room door, he acted. His courage grew out of a choice he could live with. That’s the kind of courage we can nurture, one small conversation at a time. And it begins with a question worth asking again and again: What’s the caring thing to do right now?

By: Laura Kastner, Ph.D.
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