A Parent's Guide to Navigating Conversations About Jew Hatred

A version of this article originally appeared on StopHateInSchools.org.

Editor's note: ParentMap publishes articles, op-eds and essays by people of all experiences and from all walks of life. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own and are not endorsed by ParentMap.

As Jew hatred has become increasingly prevalent, there has also been an increase in antisemitic bullying and harassment among children and teens. While there is a range of responses individuals can have to bullying, these types of incidents can cause stress, lower confidence and self-esteem and lead children to feel unsafe and socially isolated.

The guide below provides tips for navigating the sometimes-daunting task of beginning a family conversation about antisemitism and how to cope.

Self check-in

Before beginning a conversation, check in with what emotions are coming up for you. It’s okay to feel anger, fear, confusion or other emotions. This is an uncertain time and you are worried about your child’s well-being. Antisemitism can also reverberate with our own intergenerational trauma, the wounds of Jewish persecution that are transmitted from one generation to the next.

Take a few minutes to ground yourself by taking some deep breaths, soothing yourself with a cup of tea, smelling a pleasantly-scented candle or cologne, stroking a beloved pet or taking a walk. You may want to journal or write down your key concerns. If you worry your emotions about the topic may interfere with your ability to be fully present for your child, seek out trusted friends, family or clergy to process with first.

Invite open communication

It can sometimes be challenging for children, especially teens, to open up to their parents. Maybe they’ve already approached you with reports of antisemitism at school, online or in their friend group. Or, they may be more reluctant to share. Because anti-Jewish speech has unfortunately entered the mainstream, some comments can be so subtle that children may have difficulty recognizing them as antisemitic

A good place to start if your child hasn’t raised concerns is to share about how rising antisemitism has been impacting you and ask if they’ve experienced or witnessed it themselves. Encourage them to share how they are feeling about it. Approach the conversation with curiosity and a desire to understand versus judging. Allow them to share while you listen. Validation can go a long way; when kids feel supported, this can open up avenues to problem solving. You can respond with statements such as, “Thank you for sharing that with me,” “That sounds like it was really hard,” or “It makes sense why you would feel hurt, confused, scared, etc.” Summarize what they’ve said and ask if you understood them accurately.

Once you’ve made space to explore their reactions, you can turn to problem solving. If it is age-appropriate and your child is not in immediate danger, resist the urge to jump straight to solutions and ask what ideas they have for addressing, including the pros and cons of each. Ask if you can also share your ideas.

Children may express fears of retaliation if their parents indicate that reporting an incident to their teachers or school administrators is warranted. Encourage them to share their fears and express understanding that they don’t want the situation to escalate. Clearly and directly outline how you plan to address the concern, including the specific information you intend to share and how you can be discreet in your reporting, if possible. Invite feedback on the plan. If your child continues to experience a strong emotional response, thank them for sharing with you and take a temporary break from the conversation to give them time to regulate their emotions.

Navigate tough questions together

Because antisemitism takes many forms, it can be helpful to discuss the definition with your child, how it has manifested throughout history and what it looks like today, particularly for young people. This can help them be better prepared to identify it when they see it and can also contextualize any antisemitic bullying or harassment they may have already experienced. Find examples of antisemitism from the news or social media and ask how it makes them feel. Discuss together why these examples are unjust or how they differ from Jewish values. The Anti-Defamation League’s Antisemitism Uncovered guide can be a helpful starting point.

Your child may be grappling with tough questions such as why antisemitism is increasing or why they are experiencing it themselves. They may ask why trusted friends or teachers are now expressing anti-Jewish or anti-Israel biases. They may be struggling with their own feelings about Israel or their Jewish identity. The American Jewish Committee has a guide to tough questions about antisemitism that may help you navigate the conversation.

Remember, it’s okay to not have all the answers. One of the most important things you can do is provide a safe space for your child to ask challenging questions and help them to process their reactions.

You may also find it helpful to discuss the power of words and actions. Although the roots of antisemitism are complex, when figures we look up to such as parents or celebrities engage in hateful speech or discrimination, their language and behavior can become normalized, accepted and repeated by others. Research has actually shown that when we are exposed to hate speech, we begin to lose empathy for the out-group, which can reinforce stereotypes and biases. The ADL’s Pyramid of Hate also provides information on how bias escalates.

If your child is experiencing antisemitic bullying, you can also discuss common reasons why bullying occurs more broadly. Often, bullies want to gain a sense of power and influence over others. They may be seeking attention, even if the attention is negative. They may be in distress themselves and turning their pain on others. As noted above, if influential models in their lives are engaging in bullying, they may try to imitate them. This information can be validating and help buffer your child against blaming themselves for the bullying. Understanding some of these common causes of antisemitism and bullying can also help you as a parent to better manage your emotions and judgements when discussing with your child, as sometimes the perpetrator is someone your child wants or needs to continue a relationship with, such as a good friend or coach.

Practice responding to antisemitism

Discuss possible scenarios and engage in role-playing to help your child feel more empowered to respond effectively. The most helpful responses will likely depend on the specific situation and may involve staying away from the individual(s), responding directly to them and/or asking for help. Rehearsing responses ahead of time will build confidence and make it more likely your child will remember the plan in the heat of the moment.

Help your child also develop a plan for how they can cope emotionally following an antisemitic incident. Think about their existing coping skillset and build on their strengths. Explore strategies for self-soothing, reframing negative thoughts, reaching out for help and expressing their emotions (versus keeping them bottled up). Consider which strategies would work best at home and at school. Encourage your child to visualize themselves coping successfully after an antisemitic incident.

Building resilience

Resilience is the process of adapting to challenge and recovering from stress effectively. Here are a few ways you and your child can build resilience to antisemitism.

• Find community: One of the most powerful buffers against the effects of stress and trauma is social support. Encourage your child to spend time with safe, supportive peers. Help them to connect with a community, whether it be through Judaism, sports, the arts, etc. This will help create a sense of purpose and belonging. Get them involved in volunteer or age-appropriate advocacy activities within or outside the Jewish community to build empathy and help them feel empowered to make a difference.
• Foster Jewish pride: Affirming pride in one’s Jewish identity can counteract the effects of antisemitism. Engage your family in learning about Jewish history, particularly our people’s resiliency in the face of persecution. Discuss prominent Jewish figures and celebrate Jewish and Israeli contributions to society.
• Take a social media break: Honor your own capacity for news and social media consumption. If your child is feeling overwhelmed by the news or is experiencing antisemitic bullying online, encourage them to limit their social media time. Set an alarm or agree on certain times of the day to use their devices. Model taking a break from social media yourself or schedule time-outs as a family. Remind your child it’s okay to “mute” or “block” unsupportive others or to disengage from arguments online. Lastly, help your child begin to understand the impact of social media on their mood and thoughts. Ask them to reflect on how they feel before and after spending time on their device.

Lastly, stay alert for any reactions to stress that interfere with your child’s functioning at home, school, or with friends, as this can be an indicator they may benefit from additional mental health support. Your child’s pediatrician, clergy or school counselor can be good sources of support and provide professional referrals if needed.

About: Stop Hate in Schools is a Seattle-based not for profit that tracks and reports on anti-Jewish bias and harm in K–12 schools and promotes safe and inclusive learning environments that are free from discrimination and hate for all students. Learn more at stophateinschools.org.