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Parenting a teen poses new challenges for everyone, including caregivers who found their groove during the early and middle childhood years.
“It’s a different kind of parenting that’s required,” says psychologist Erin Gonzalez. “Even if you’re a child psychologist, you’re not really prepared,” she jokes.
A new online resource from Seattle Children’s aims to give parents and caregivers of tweens and teens ages 11 to 17 support navigating the rhythms of their changing relationship. From guidance on screen skirmishes to schoolwork motivation, the free, on-demand FAST Parenting Teens class fills an important educational gap at a time when tried-and-true strategies can backfire.
The teen years mark a monumental shift in the parent/child relationship, underscoring the need for additional resources. As children enter adolescence, they yearn to differentiate themselves, valuing time with others over family. Those transitions are coupled with surging hormones, set amid a backdrop of teen social relationships and their own complex dynamics. All of that culminates in a need to rewrite the parenting script.
“It’s like a reset button on the way we’ve been doing things,” says Gonzalez, the codirector of First Approach Skills Training (FAST) program and the Behavior and Attention Management program in Seattle Children’s Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine department. “We all know it’s coming but we also think we are different, that it’s going to be different for us.”
Virtual parenting class fills gap, offers key tools
Over the past couple of decades, more research and attention has turned to the importance of early childhood. As a result, parenting resources have proliferated for this critical period — and parents have embraced available education during the early years.
“People feel really solid about why that’s needed and why it works,” Gonzalez says.
But then the teen years arrive and shake everything up. Too often, parents are left to grapple with the changes on their own as their playbook suddenly falters. Even though the role of the parent shifts during this period, the need for healthy relationships and connections is stronger than ever.
“Parents are the quarterbacks of the entire situation,” Gonzalez says. “They’re strategizing and calling the shots.”
The experts at Seattle Children’s noticed the dearth of easily accessible resources for this key juncture and decided to change that. The team gathered the evidence-based resources that already existed and adapted them into user-friendly workbook exercises, tips and quick videos. They combined clinician experiences with insights from a community advisory board and created scenarios that feel true to life.
The FAST Parenting Teen class builds on Seattle Children’s free on-demand FAST Behavior Basics course, which is designed for kids 5 to 12 with disruptive behavior. Participants can quickly navigate to a topic that feels most relevant, or gradually digest the entire course over time. While teens are welcome to join the journey, their participation isn’t required.
“We didn’t want those families to be stuck because their teenager wasn’t on board,” Gonzalez explains.
The program is relevant for teens with both ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), as well as those without any diagnosed behavior or relationship problems. The strategies may also be useful to families who are facing long waitlists to see a behavioral health provider.
The brief videos and workbook go hand in hand, but the materials can stand alone. That design was intentional to appeal to all learning styles and time limits.
“We found the videos engaged people in a different way, including people who didn’t want to read a book or fill out a worksheet,” Gonzalez says. “Storytelling is a way of learning.”
Course adds new teen-specific strategies
Caregivers engaging with the teen course materials will likely notice a mix of familiar and new strategies. Some of the same foundations from early childhood persist, such as validating your child’s feelings, offering specific praise and finding opportunities to connect with one-on-one time.
But the materials also hone new skills that benefit the teen audience in particular, such as exploring the dynamics of joint problem-solving. There are scripts, too, for how to successfully execute the guidance — and what to avoid. For example, when offering kudos, swap “thanks for not leaving a mess” with “thanks for rinsing your dishes and putting them in the dishwasher.”
Along with that specific praise, the workbook coaches parents on intentionally ignoring annoying behaviors that don’t violate family rules, such as a child’s rude tone, eye rolling, interrupting or leaving their room a mess.
There are interactive nuggets sprinkled throughout, such as brainstorming ways to use “when/then” comments effectively. For example, when a teen finishes homework, then they may be able to play a video game.
Self-reflection is a crucial component of the workbook with hands-on exercises that help the caregiver reflect on their role in communication missteps. That may mean avoiding the urge to lecture or offer criticism while starting conversations on a positive note.
A chart asks users to replace unproductive parental comments with more useful ones. For example, “Great, thanks for ruining the day for all of us” isn’t helpful — as true as it might feel in the moment.
The materials don’t shy away from the reality of conversing with teens. One video, for example, features a teen having a discussion with her mom about cell phone policies. The mom is concerned the teen’s cell use is interfering with homework and sleep. By using key strategies — praising effort, describing the problem, inviting the teen to problem-solve, offering validation and setting boundaries — the two eventually reach a consensus on a plan of action.
That positive result, though, was hard won. At one point, the mom resorts to lecturing and has to take a breather. It’s a scene that will likely resonate with many parents of teens.
“The mom goes into it with great intentions to have this calm, balanced conversation but then loses it because the daughter is coming off very disrespectfully,” Gonzalez says.
That’s a theme for the entire course, she adds. After receiving feedback from real parents, the team adapted the videos to make them more contentious, difficult, and, in the process, highly relatable. Storylines acknowledge that this new terrain is scattered with mistakes.
“You’ll see examples of parents screwing up, and having to let go of very provocative, triggering rabbit holes,” she says. “The video shows how you can reset; it’s not too late.”
This September, during Suicide Prevention Month, parents can use Seattle Children’s “Prevent Suicide: Ask the Question” to have tough conversations with kids, tweens and teens. Whether your child is showing warning signs, you suspect they are or you’re not sure, this resource can help guide you through these challenging, vitally important conversations so you can approach them with confidence.
Editor’s note: This article was sponsored by the Seattle Children’s Hospital.
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