When a Mass Shooting Comes to Our Hometown

I’m a clinical psychologist. I woke up this morning to a text from a parent spiraling after yesterday’s mass shooting at Seattle Center:

“Our family is close friends with a family who was near the Seattle shooting. They had to run for their lives and are deeply shaken. So am I. My husband and I have been glued to the news, talking about it constantly because we’re so upset. Of course our kids have overheard us, and now they’re frightened too. I know we probably should have done our evening routine of baths and bedtime stories, but honestly, we were too shaken to think straight. Now what?”

One of the hardest parts of parenting is that when we are most upset, we are most likely to lose our best judgment as we are flooded with emotions — and then watch as our children absorb it all.

When a tragedy strikes close to home, parents don’t magically transform into calm, wise interpreters of world events. We become frightened human beings first. We text friends. We refresh the news. We call relatives. We replay “What if?” scenarios. We leave the television on. Dinner is late. Bedtime routines get forgotten.

Then, sometime around midnight, we think, Oh no. The kids heard everything.

If that was you on Sunday, take heart. The fact that you were rattled doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you a human one.

The good news? Children are remarkably resilient when the adults around them regain their footing.

The tragedy of a mass shooting in Seattle

Is it normal to freak out when you get news of a mass shooting? Is it normal to express outrage and fear and focus on the tragedy? Absolutely.

The closer a tragedy is to us, the more intensely our minds and bodies react. Our brains are designed this way. When we perceive danger, stress hormones surge through our bodies, preparing us to fight, flee or freeze. Those responses kept our ancestors alive.

Unfortunately, they don’t always produce our finest parenting.

Instead of calmly considering, “Perhaps I should turn off the television because my 8-year-old is listening,” we’re much more likely to think, “I need more information. What happened? Who was hurt? Are they safe? Could this happen again?”

That isn’t poor judgment. It’s biology.

Even if you were perfectly safe at home in Renton, the shooting happened at our Seattle Center. Our Space Needle. Families were enjoying one of Seattle’s signature summer traditions, The Bite of Seattle. Many of us have attended this event in the past with our own children. Perhaps we were enjoying Seattle Center just last week. Perhaps we almost went yesterday.

Our brains don’t experience this as “something that happened somewhere.” They experience it as, “That could easily have been us.”

If someone you know was there, or knows someone who was there, the event feels even closer. Our emotional alarm system responds to psychological proximity as much as physical proximity.

Not everyone is affected in the same way. Some children and adults are naturally more anxiety-prone. Some have previous experiences with violence or trauma. Young children have another challenge: They don’t yet understand time and distance very well. “Yesterday,” “30 miles away,” and “the danger is over” are concepts that often don’t fit together in a young child’s mind. Repeated conversations and constant news coverage can make the event feel as though it is happening over and over again.

What should you do?

First, give yourself a little grace. You didn’t set out to frighten your children. You were frightened yourself.

Now that the first wave of shock has passed, shift from reacting to leading.

Tell your children what is true: You are safe. The danger is over. The people you love are safe. Ask what they’ve heard instead of assuming you know what they’re worried about. Answer only the questions they ask, using simple, factual language.

Turn off the continuous news coverage. News organizations understandably repeat dramatic images because viewers want updates, even after the immediate danger has passed. Children’s nervous systems don’t distinguish between a live event and the twentieth replay of the same footage.

Then return to ordinary life. Read the bedtime story. Walk the dog. Play cards. Finish the puzzle. Make pancakes. Routine is one of childhood’s greatest stress relievers. Predictability tells children’s brains that life is continuing.

When should you worry?

Most children recover well after hearing about tragedies, especially when they have calm, supportive adults helping them make sense of what happened.

Pay closer attention if your child witnessed the event directly, knew someone who was injured, has a history of trauma or anxiety, or continues for weeks to have nightmares, avoidance, irritability or fears that interfere with everyday life.

For more detailed guidance on talking with children of different ages about violence, war and other frightening events, please refer to this article created by Common Sense Media and republished with permission in ParentMap, “How to Talk to Kids About Violence and War.” 

Getting to calm

By the time I returned the late-night text with a phone call, the parents had already managed to recover from their initial panic and help their kids with their own. Here’s the general download of what they told their 8- and 10-year-olds before leaving for day camp.

“Our friends are safe. We’re safe. The news has been so big because this happened here in Seattle, and our friends were there. We got more absorbed in it than we usually would because it felt so close to home. We’ll keep talking as we learn more. It’s important to know how to use news and social media without letting them take over our lives.

“Okay. Finish your oatmeal. Our job today is to enjoy this beautiful summer day.”

Because these parents were able to offer calm, level-headed reassurance, their children simply followed their lead. They had a few more questions about the shooting, having overheard a lot of speculation the night before. The parents answered briefly, acknowledged that it’s natural to be curious, and reassured them that they would share more information as reliable facts emerged. Then they gently redirected their attention: Today’s job was to enjoy day camp.

That is exactly what emotionally healthy parenting looks like after a community tragedy. We don’t pretend nothing happened. We don’t dwell on it all day, either. We help our children understand what they need to know, reassure them that they are safe, and then guide them back toward the ordinary rhythms of childhood.

Sometimes parents imagine that getting it right means never letting their children see them upset or making occasional blunders. Nah. All of life is cruising (occasionally), bungling (a lot) and repairing (like this!). So after these parents told me how they handled this sad, upsetting Seattle story, all I had to say was, “Way to go.”