Every parent dreads the nights when bedtime seems to last forever. We go through our bedtime routine, read books, snuggle and say goodnight, and within minutes they are back up. The list of bedtime requests can be seemingly endless, from a drink of water to a missing snuggle to a suddenly discovered splinter. I believe one time our daughter asked if we could make the birds stop chirping. Sometimes, you can even watch them ponder what they should ask for next.
As I mentioned in a previous post on GROW Parenting, there is a bit of a mismatch between parent and child needs at this time of the day. Parents are ready to say goodnight, get their own chores done and possibly have a little time to relax. Kids are finally winding down, have enjoyed the connection with us during bedtime and want more of that special time together.
While periods of bedtime whack-a-mole are absolutely normal, they can make for frustrated parents and exhausted kids. Often, it’s a matter of providing some gentle reminders to our children on what bedtime and nighttime are for and some boundaries to help them stick to their part of the solution. Here are some tips to help you through this common parenting challenge.
Start with a conversation
Before kids (and adults) are willing to try something different, they need to feel heard. Therefore, starting off with a conversation where you listen, empathize and validate what your child might be feeling, is critical to gaining their cooperation.
Ask questions that help you understand your child’s perspective. You can show empathy by sharing a time when you had a hard time sleeping or when you felt lonely, or when you were a child and didn't want to go to bed. Stick to how he might be feeling/how you felt at first. Our tendency is to quickly move on to how their actions impact us. By taking the time to listen first, we are much more likely to invite cooperation instead of rebellion.
Find a solution together
Now that your child has had some time to feel heard at a calm time, you can move on to problem solving together. Remind your child about the problem with a quick validation of feelings:
"Remember when we talked about what might be hard for you about going to bed/staying in bed? We totally get it, and we can't make you sleep. That is totally up to you. We do need to figure out how we can solve this problem though. Parents have their chores to do after bedtime so our family can be ready for the next day, and during the night we need our sleep so we are rested and ready for a good day."
Then you might ask, "You are really good at solving problems. I wondered if you had any ideas of how we can solve this problem of needing lots of things at bedtime and wanting us to come in during the night?"
Depending on the age of your child, they may come up with some great ideas by themselves, or you can offer a few possible solutions. Here are some favorites that have worked for many families I have worked with, including my own.
1) Create a bedtime box. Share with your child that while they may not be able to go right to sleep, perhaps a box of special items to play with while they get ready to sleep could help them stay in bed. Find a shoebox and decorate the outside together. Then, have your child pick out some special items to have in their bed so they have everything they need to feel safe and cozy at bedtime. Maybe a few books, a flashlight, a favorite toy or two and a lovey. At bedtime, ask them what they can do if they are having a hard time sleeping. Likely, they will be excited to have their new special bedtime box and that will keep them occupied for a few nights and break the whack-a-mole cycle.
2) Bedtime request tickets. This is one of my favorites, and a good parenting tool to keep in mind. Sometimes, just saying yes to the behavior is the surest way to see it disappear. Bedtime tickets operate on this principle. Your child gets a certain number of tickets/passes to use at bedtime for those extra requests that pop up after we have said goodnight. Then when requests are made, they trade in a ticket. We follow through with the request with kindness, no lecture about getting up, how many tickets are left, etc. They get all their tickets back the next night at bedtime to use again.
You might say, “I know sometimes you need things after bed, and that is fine. How about we make some tickets you can use to get those extras after bed. How many do you think you need, one or two?” You might want to start the bidding lower than you think they might need so when they say, three, you can say, “Hmm, three, I think we could do that.” Right there, you are yielding and they are getting an opportunity to feel some personal control, leading to greater cooperation. Next, use index cards or paper to decorate your bedtime tickets together.
It is helpful to get clear in our mind ahead of time on how many bedtime tickets you feel comfortable with. It is also helpful to discuss with your child any boundaries you may have on what tickets can be used for. For example, if snacks are not an acceptable request at bedtime, that should be made clear when discussing how to use them.
3) Extra love under the pillow. I think this one works because it is about validating their feelings that it can be hard to say goodnight and sometimes they miss us. At bedtime, tuck a whole bunch of extra hugs and kisses under the pillow and remind your child that when they need an extra one, they can grab one out from under their pillow. Silliness is key to this one. On a similar note, The Kissing Hand is a wonderful book that operates on this same concept of giving your child a ritual for feeling connected to you even when you are not present.
4) Brainstorm what your child CAN do when they can’t sleep. So often, we spend time telling our kids what they can’t do and forget that they might need help recognizing what they can do. Make a list together of what your child can do if they can’t fall asleep or wake up and feel lonely or scared. Possibilities include looking at a book, counting sheep or their favorite stuffy, going on an imaginary trip in his mind, snuggling with a particular stuffy or blanket, reaching under his pillow for an extra hug or kiss, and using their bedtime box or tickets.
Keys to success
The actual solution chosen is less important than the way we use it. Here are some tips for using solutions effectively:
Let the child choose the solution and involve them in the process. When kids are involved in the process, they are so much more likely to cooperate and follow through on their part. Put your own solution on hold so that your child really has a chance to participate.
Get clear on the logistics. Talk about how you will use whatever solution is chosen. Discuss any boundaries you have on how they may be used, what things you will help with regardless (if your child is sick), what they can take care of for themselves (going potty, getting a tissue), and any other potential situations that may come up.
Practice, practice, practice. You don’t need to wait until bedtime to try our your new solution. Children love to role-play, and this gives both you and your child some practice with how things will be before the situation occurs.
Review the plan at bedtime. As you are getting ready for bed, take a moment and review your plan together. Instead of telling your child what your agreed plan is before bed, try asking. "I am really excited to our new bedtime box (or tickets or whatever plan you have agreed upon). I can't remember though; what's our plan for how to use them?” Then, wait for your child to answer. You might add, “Oh, that's right...and what will you do if you need to go potty? And if you can't sleep and want a hug?” Having your child do the reminding helps them take ownership of their part of the solution.
Then quickly and kindly remind him or her of your part. “I have my part too. Let’s see if I have this right. If you call us after you use your tickets, I am not going to come in because I know even though its hard, you are okay and have everything you need to get through the night. I can't wait to see you in the morning and hear about all of the things you did to take care of yourself.”
Follow through! It is so important that we keep our word. It’s even more important that we keep our word using kindness and firmness. That might look like a quick reminder "What was our plan for what would happen at bedtime? Time to go back to bed now." Then calmly walk them back to their room. If they keep coming out, walking them back without saying anything or simply pointing towards their room are both options. Avoid lecturing as this just gets both parent and child riled up and the child gets a whole lot of attention anyway. I know this part can be hard. It might involve tag teaming with your partner so one person can go for a walk when they feel they are no longer able to do this calmly.
We are trying to be kind and respectful to our kids, while also holding firm on the boundaries we have set and communicated to them. If we do this consistently, the behavior often goes away quite quickly.
What if the solution didn’t work? If things don't go well on any given night, a very short, calm discussion the next day can be helpful. For example, "I notice that after you used your tickets last night, you called for us a few more times." Then just pause and see if your child says anything. You can add, "I know this is new so it may take us a bit to get the hang of. Looking forward to trying again tonight." or "I bet you felt sad when we didn't come in again." That's it. We often add lecture and rehashing at this point and that just puts kids on the defensive. So, keep it short and kind.
If your new plan doesn’t seem to be working at all, its time to back to the drawing board. Again, avoiding blame is important. You might say, “It seems like our solution didn’t work. Let’s look at the ideas we came up with before and see which other one we would like to try.” When we avoid blaming and shaming, we keep kids feeling connected and willing to try again.
It’s okay for your child to be sad or mad. Remember that believing in your child's ability to handle being sad or mad, is what builds resilience. When you start off with validation and empathy, involve your child in problem solving, and then follow through with kindness and firmness, letting him be sad or mad is not the same as ignoring or punishing. Instead, it sends the message that each member of the family is important and we each have a role to play. You believe in your child and know they can play their part.
When we rescue kids from their hard feelings by either going back on our word and trying to make the hard feeling go away OR we punish in an attempt to make them pay for their behavior, the long term message we send kids is that we don't believe they can handle their feelings.
It really is amazing what our kids will do when we give them the chance to rise to the occasion. Remember that change takes time, and mistakes along the way are opportunities to learn and grow. Whack-a-mole nights will happen, but hopefully these tips can limit your game playing to the arcade instead of the home.
About the author
Sarina Behar Natkin LICSW is a parent educator and consultant in the Seattle area. She co-founded GROW Parenting to provide parents with the tools and support they need to raise healthy children and find more joy in parenting. GROW Parenting offers parent coaching and classes and frequently speaks at area schools and businesses. Check out GROW Parenting's blog for more great tips on common parenting issues and Facebook for the latest news in parent education!