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This Is the Point in the Quarantine When ...

A list from the frontlines of parenting from home

Published on: April 22, 2020

sleepy mom pouring coffee on the kitchen table

The leftovers no one wants to eat are looking very questionable.

Maybe I will kill my spouse because:

  • Of how he loads the dishwasher.
  • He slept better than I did.
  • His beard looks stupid.
  • He doesn’t want to eat the questionable leftovers.

I think I’ll never wear real pants again.

I need to convince my children to eat some different foods besides the five they currently like.

Maybe if I never wash my hair it will eventually look really good.

I have run out of craft ideas.

I have purchased a $300 bounce house.

Television is the third parent in our marriage.

Mo Willems can charge me for babysitting at lunch time and I will pay him ... what I pay the neighbor kids who usually babysit for us when they’re not self-isolating.

I ran out of half-and-half and now coffee no longer brings me joy. My husband suggested I drink it black like he does and he may have to die for that offense as well.

I have stopped reading the news, finally.

I have not stopped panicking at random intervals throughout the day.

My toddler no longer asks if he can go to preschool today.

My kindergartner no longer dresses herself in anything except pajamas.

I think I might be a legitimately talented artist. My doodles are very colorful, says my kindergartner.

I am also an exceptionally talented singer. But, not for the Elsa part. Or Anna. Or Olaf. I can sing the village part.

My children say they want to be mail carriers when they grow up and pretend to deliver packages to each other’s bedrooms.

Did I brush their teeth today? Or mine?

“School” is a loose term. Subjects include:

  • Biology: Go outside. Look at a bug.
  • PE: Go outside. Ride your bike.
  • Math: What day is it? How many cookies did you eat today? How much TV is too much TV?
  • Art: Here are some stickers.
  • Literature: Read to your brother while he’s on the toilet.
  • History: Remember when we used to go to playgrounds?
  • Technology: Attempt to log in to the newest app the district has approved for distance learning.
  • Economics: Don’t waste food! Our groceries don’t come until Friday! Are we down ANOTHER roll of toilet paper?

I think this is normal now. Except nothing is normal now.

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