Meggan Jung will never forget the
elementary school student who was so determined to stay home from
school that he locked himself in the bathroom. Jung, school
psychologist for the Bellevue School District, went over to his house.
"He was afraid to leave his mom," Jung remembers. "It took a long time
to get him to come out."
Every school sees them. Sometimes, they're the kids with the recurrent
headaches or stomach aches. Perhaps they don't have physical
complaints, but show signs of fear and anxiety. While few resort to
locking themselves in bathrooms, these children are often proficient at
coercing parents to let them skip school -- "just for today."
Why would a youngster choose his own house over the schoolhouse?
Reasons vary. It's fairly common for kindergarteners to have trouble
separating from their parents -- especially if kindergarten is their
first school experience, Jung says.
In fact, transition points -- kindergarten, middle school and high
school -- are high-risk periods for school avoidance, according to
Karen Pavlidis, psychologist at Arboretum Psychological Services in
Seattle. For some students, transferring to a new school is most
troublesome of all.
But when kids suddenly opt out of the normal school routine, parents
and teachers should pay close attention, says Betsy Ritchie, school
nurse at Bear Creek Elementary in Woodinville. Often, these children
are trying to avoid or escape something that's making them anxious.
Maybe, Ritchie suggests, they're not succeeding in school or are being
bullied or pressured on the playground. Maybe they're worried about
finding their classroom or missing the bus stop -- or are embarrassed
about an in-class episode of throwing up. "With younger children, it
might mean they've had an accident and not made it to the bathroom,"
Events that happen in the world around them can also fuel kids' fears.
"After storms, earthquakes, terrorism incidents or the worst-case
scenario -- a school shooting -- kids might think, 'what will happen to
us if we're at school?'" Ritchie says. "The bad news in the media is
Then there are the youngsters who simply find it much more fun to be
home. That's why, Ritchie advises, "Parents shouldn't make things too
comfortable -- especially if their child leaves school early with
something iffy, like a stomachache."
What to do
Get your kids back to school as quickly as you can, experts advise.
"Sometimes parents have to use 'tough love,'" Ritchie says. "Kids can
tell when parents start vacillating."
And the longer youngsters stay home, the harder it is to return,
Pavlidis says. "With any anxiety, we try to avoid things that distress
us because avoidance decreases our anxiety. But that can become
If a child has missed many school days, the parent might want to use a
"step-ladder" approach to help the child return, by re-introducing him
to class a portion of each day, she says.
Parents should consult with the teacher about ways to help the student
re-adjust to school, Pavlidis adds. "Everyone should be on the same
page about how this will be handled. Maybe the child will be allowed
just one phone call home a day. Or maybe the class or school placement
needs to be re-evaluated."
Linda Morgan writes frequently on education issues for ParentMap.
Ways parents can help
Karen Pavlidis offers these tips:
- In the morning, establish a smooth before-school routine and leave time for the struggles.
- Even if your child is late, get him out the door.
- If yours is a two-parent family, have both parents take the child to school; this sends a powerful message.
Ignore tantrums and complaints, and let the child know there will be
consequences for this kind of behavior. Keep punishments mild, such as
restricted TV time.
- Reward your child
for not showing school refusal behavior and for being cooperative in
the morning. Offer special after-school activities, extra time with a
parent, or extra TV time.
- At the same time, don't get caught up in having to give repeated reassurances.
If a child is being bullied or picked on, the school needs to be
involved. Similarly, if the child doesn't like the teacher, that issue
should be explored. Is it a bad match? Principals and school counselors
can be helpful.
- Minimize how rewarding
it is to be home. Make sure your child is up and dressed as if he is
going to school. Keep it boring; let him or her spend time alone and do
homework-like tasks until school day is over.
Know when to seek professional help. Is this a problem that stands
alone? Or is your child exhibiting some real anxiety or mood issues?