Look, I’m not going to BS you. Parenting is a paradox. Sometimes you go to bed with a smug smile on your face because your womb fruit told you that they’re so happy that you’re their mommy or daddy.
Other times you sob uncontrollably in the shower while your child sits on the toilet playing with your perfume bottles. Why are you sobbing? Because you know your child will need more therapy than you can afford.
So how do you even decide to step into the pile they call parenthood? Easy: Take this quiz! Whatever your score, trust your gut but keep in mind that as the parent of two daughters that haven't technically reached puberty yet, I know stuff. You shouldn’t take my opinion lightly.
Has anyone ever watched you interact with small fragile things and said “Aww, you are going to make such a good parent someday!”
a) No, quite the opposite in fact. We’ll talk later.
b) Yes, but it was Bertha. Bertha is impressed when people can pick up a basketball without popping it. You don’t mess with Bertha.
c) Yes, everyone says how great I am.
d) I feel like my dog says that to me everyday, but I don’t speak Pug.
How much do you enjoy sleep?
a) Sleep is everything. What are you getting at?
b) I’ll sleep when I’m dead, which will be soon because I don’t get enough sleep.
c) Yes, everyone says how great I am at it.
d) My dog snores a lot, so I don’t get the best sleep.
How are you with bodily fluids?
a) I’m fine as long as they stay in the appropriate body.
b) Eesh. I wouldn’t say good...
c) Yes, I’m pretty much a doctor I'm so good at dealing with them.
d) My dog is pretty good at cleaning those up on his own, so I guess “not applicable”?
Are you OK with not spending money on yourself for awhile?
a) I work hard so I can shop hard.
b) I just buy gum and deodorant for myself as it is.
c) Yes, I’m the best at spending money on others.
d) I love buying my dog all sorts of new things.
Are you willing to live a life that will inspire another human being to strive to be the best they can be?
a) I mean sometimes I trip. Is that going to ruin the inspiration vibe?
b) What else do I have to do?
c) Yes, I’m the best at inspiring.
d) Did I tell you that I inspired my dog to go potty on the toilet? True story.
Now for the results:
- If you answered mostly As: We’re probably going to be best friends forever. That is right about where I’m sitting. You should go for it.
- If you answered mostly Bs: You’re what I strive for. Don’t forget to take a minute for yourself.
- If you answered mostly Cs: What is your problem, dude? Half of those weren’t yes/no questions. I don’t like your attitude very much. Nobody is that great; I’m not sure you’re ready.
- If you answered mostly Ds: Congratulations, you have an excellent pet. You are most certainly a loving caregiver, but you may also be a teensy bit crazy about your dog. The upside: Your heart is most certainly big enough for a baby and a dog.