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Valentine's Day: The Married With Children Version

Published on: December 30, 2013


Today’s post follows the grand tradition of the epistolary novel. What follows is an email exchange between myself and a friend whose wife is expecting a baby – and my wife, who is not.

As always, names have been changed to protect the innocent.

On 2/14/12 9:02 AM, “Baby Daddy” <> wrote:

If the baby hasn’t come on its own by Wednesday or Thursday we’re going to induce.

On 2/14/12 10:29 AM, “John Kubalak” wrote:

Since the full moon didn’t work have you been going down the list of other stuff?

Here are a few tidbits from an awesome site I found.

Borage seed oil – Meant to have similar effects to evening primrose oil – dilating and effacing. Surely you have a spare bottle sitting around the house. Who doesn’t?

Bouncing on birth/exercise ball – Spreading your legs as well as the moving up and down can help the baby move down. When it comes to having a baby I’m a strong advocate of SPREADING YOUR LEGS.

Bumpy car ride – Sometimes the baby just needs a bit of a jiggle! Perhaps you could pick your wife up and shake her shouting, “Come out baby!”

Kneeling on all fours – A friend of a friend was told to do this. Swing the hips back and forth. Her waters broke just a few minutes later. Coincidence? Maybe! (and, I’m sorry, “waters?”)

Mandarin oil on heels – Had a friend recommend this. It didn’t work for her, but worth a try! By all means, if it doesn’t work – try it!

Nipple stimulation – Needs to be done for approx an hour at a time. Apparently you can also borrow a baby to do this. Do you think you’re up to the challenge?

Orgasm – Orgasms cause contractions, which is part of what feels so good. That’s why many women enjoy orgasms more during pregnancy! You can try this alone or with a partner… whatever you’re comfortable with.

Wait, what?

Although, along those lines: Sperm – If you feel up to sex, this is a good start towards getting ready for labor. The sperm helps soften and dilate the cervix.

Isn’t this how you got here in the first place?

Good luck!

On 2/14/12 10:56 AM, “John Kubalak” wrote:

Happy Valentines Day, My Leibestrudel -

The drops were fine this morning although the kids got a bit of a lecture.

First (after much haranguing) they put on their muddy boots and proceeded to tromp clumps of dirt all over the floor. Then I pointed out that they had left ALL of their homework on the dining room table (after repeatedly telling them to make sure their backpacks were properly loaded with all school supplies). I made them take off their muddy boots, get their homework and put their boots back on. Before sending them out of the house I said one final time, “Do you have EVERYTHING you need for school?”

Yes, yes, of course they did. Much rolling of eyes at Daddy’s frustration.

We start to drive away and our daughter demands, “What are we going to listen to?”

“Nothing,” I say, “we’re going to talk about the day.” And a good thing too.

Because as we’re approaching school I ask, “Do you have your valentines?”

“Oh No!” says our son. Our daughter starts to cry.

I turn off and head back to the house. Oh boy am I happy at this point.

Start lecture on being 9 and 11, making at least half of all decisions for yourself, and generally making an effort to take care of your own business.

“SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE,” Daddy rumbles ominously.

I get the valentines and somehow we get to school on time. Miraculous, actually, considering that we left late to begin with. As we pull up I explain to them how the drop is going to happen. I specifically tell our daughter not to argue with me about it but she argues anyway. Yay!

Happily I can tell they’re not scarred by the experience because they’re singing as we pull up to the school.

Since then I’ve been cleaning the house and prepping for our valentine dinner.

You’ll note from the subject line that this is an addition to a baby status mail. Check out some of the advice I gave K. on inducing labor naturally.

And finally, something else to make you smile, a funny review of War Horse, of all things.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I Love You!


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jak_headshot_da_1002John Kubalak is a writer, teacher, volunteer coordinator, raconteur, and scalawag. He does not publish science fiction under the pseudonym Jonathan Black but he does publish a monograph on fatherhood, The Eclectic Dad. He has a son, a daughter, a beautiful wife (and a little dog too!) who are adorable, maddening, zany, and brilliant all at the same time.

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