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A better way to become a parent

Published on: December 01, 2005

In a perfect world, every parent would be married. With a
respectful nod to all those moms and dads doing their best as single
parents, statistics show it's simply better for kids to have two
parents at home.

Yet, according to research presented Nov. 16 at "Healthy Relationships,
Healthy Families: A Forum on Marriage" (sponsored by the Washington
Council for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect), the state of
marriage in the U.S. is bleak: 20 percent of first marriages break down
after five years, and that number rises to 50 percent after 20 years.
For people who divorce and remarry, the breakup rate in subsequent
marriages is even higher.

It should be no surprise to anyone reading a parenting magazine that
the hardest thing on a marriage is becoming a parent. University of
Washington researcher Pamela Jordan, Ph.D., RN, defines the problem
simply: "poor preparation for the most important job in the world."

Jordan, who has been in the UW's School of Nursing since 1984, has
spent years studying what happens when couples make the transition to
parenthood, including the roles of expectant and new fathers. When
women are pregnant, Jordan notes, the focus is on childbirth education
classes -- preparation on childbirth, labor and delivery, plus
instruction on simple tasks like changing diapers and bathing the baby.
Jordan contends the emphasis should be on strengthening the couple
relationship, to weather the massive changes that occur in the
mother-father dynamic after baby arrives.

"Every pregnancy should be considered a high-risk pregnancy because
it's a high risk to the parents," Jordan says. She developed the
Becoming Parents Program, now in the clinical trial phase with 470
Puget Sound-area parents, aimed at helping first-time parents take care
of their couples relationship while they are also caring for a new baby.

Jordan specifically stresses the importance of a biological father
living at home. (Notice the emphasis on the term biological: Research
shows that children who grow up in stepfamilies don't do much better
than in homes with single parents, she notes.)

According to Jordan, kids growing up in homes without biological fathers are:

  • five times more likely to be poor
  • two times more likely to use illegal drugs
  • two to three times more likely to have health, emotional and behavioral problems, and be victims of child abuse.

In addition, these children are more likely to have poor math and
reading scores and a lower level of school performance.

Now, we know that these statistics don't always ring true. Each of us
could name children living with a single mother who fall into none of
these categories, as well as kids having some or all of the above
problems despite Dad living at home.

But we agree that better parent preparation -- to ensure that more
couples stay together and that more children grow up with both a mother
and father at home -- means a better outcome for those undertaking "the
most important job in the world."

Give the gift of good parenting

Expecting your first child or know someone who is? Consider giving
yourself or others a special holiday gift of better parenting skills.

The Becoming Parents Program opens to the public in January.
Registration deadline for the first class series is Jan. 16, with the
six-class session starting Saturday, Jan. 21. All classes will be held
at the Good Shepherd Center, 4649 Sunnyside Ave. N., Room 202, Seattle.
Visit for more information or to register. Gift certificates are available.

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