How Parents Can Break the Cycle of Generational Trauma

For parents who did not experience safe or loving homes in childhood, everyday parenting moments can carry the weight of a lifetime of painful memories. As children reach ages where the parent experienced abuse, flashbacks can be triggered and fear of repeating harmful patterns can immobilize otherwise capable caregivers.

On one end, some trauma survivors may become hypervigilant as parents, consumed by trying to anticipate and mitigate any danger their child might encounter; on the other end, survivors struggle both with the impulse to check out completely and the guilt that follows. For many parents who hope to break the cycle of generational trauma, raising children is an endlessly challenging back-and-forth between both ends of this spectrum.

Karee Powers, MSW, LCSW, a clinical social worker in Seattle, has spent her career walking with parents through this terrain. “Many of my clients struggle with dissociation, shame and avoidance,” she says. “They’re often deeply committed to breaking the cycle, but they’re also carrying trauma responses that make it hard to stay present with their children.”

Powers specializes in treating adults and adolescents who have experienced childhood trauma and are now living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). She uses modalities like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR), parts work and psychodrama to help clients access distressing emotions they’ve long avoided. “A common pattern I see,” she explains, “is difficulty sitting with their own feelings — especially when their child’s behavior stirs something up from their past.”

One mother she worked with initially struggled to connect with her child at all. “She would feel intense irritation toward her child and rage toward her partner,” Powers recalls. “Through our work, she realized that what was being triggered wasn’t the current situation — it was unprocessed grief about her own father’s absence. Once she could feel and express that grief, she could see her partner and child more clearly, and love became more accessible.”

Imperfect parenting and the power of repair

Miranda Santisteban, MA, LMFT, an Edmonds-based marriage and family therapist, sees similar patterns in her clients. “One of the hardest parts of parenting after trauma is being okay with not parenting perfectly,” she says. Santisteban’s work is rooted in her own experiences of navigating parenthood while learning to embrace imperfection. “For a long time, I felt like I was playing emotional whack-a-mole, trying to stop every challenge from repeating something painful. But I had to learn that I’m going to mess up — and that’s okay. What matters is the repair.”

Both therapists emphasize that repair with children after a setback is not only possible, it’s healing. “Some of the most beautiful moments I’ve witnessed,” says Powers, “are when a parent who could barely look at their child at the beginning of therapy learns how to embrace them, really see them. When a parent can embrace the younger, traumatized part of themselves, it becomes easier to be with their child’s feelings too.”

Santisteban agrees. “I use games and crafts in my sessions to help parents and kids reconnect. When we let go of the ‘agenda’ of being productive and just have fun, the real healing starts. Those joyful, present moments are what it’s all about.”

How to check in with yourself

Triggers are inevitable for trauma survivors, but conflicts fueled by triggers don’t have to derail the parent-child relationship. Both Powers and Santisteban encourage their clients who are simultaneously parenting children, healing and re-parenting themselves to build awareness around their own nervous systems and unmet needs.

Powers recommends starting with regular body check-ins. “Outside of conflict, notice what your breath feels like, where you feel tension, what your five senses are picking up,” she says. “Then, in a moment of stress, you can ask yourself, ‘How old do I feel right now? Can I feel my feet on the ground? What are the cues of safety in this room?’” If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed, she suggests grounding techniques like walking in place, humming or running your hands under warm or cold water. If you’re feeling numb or dissociated, orient yourself to the time and place by asking yourself questions like, “What year is it?” or “How old am I right now?” This exercise can help bring you back to the present.

Santisteban agrees that these check-ins are critical. When sensing that a breaking point is near, she urges parents to ask themselves, “Have I eaten? How did I sleep? Are my clothes comfortable? Am I overwhelmed by noise or mess?” to shift the focus away from the frustrations of parenting, and towards understanding context and seeking possible solutions. “We’re so quick to label a reaction as bad parenting, when sometimes we’re just overstimulated or running on empty,” she says.

Breaking the cycle depends on support

Resolving these issues with other trauma survivors who are parenting can provide much-needed support. Group therapy, local parent networks, and even Facebook groups and subreddits can all help reduce isolation and create spaces where survivors can feel seen, vent and seek resources. “There’s something incredibly powerful about knowing you’re not alone,” Santisteban adds.

One-on-one therapy for parent survivors can also be a powerful tool, proving a safe place for the rage, grief and everyday challenges of reckoning with processing a harmful childhood while trying to provide a loving and safe life for one’s own children. The impact of working with the right therapist can be transformative. “I’ve worked with multiple generations in the same family on the same day,” says Powers. “I’ve seen trauma move through grandmothers, mothers and daughters. And I’ve seen the healing ripple through, too.”

Signs you’re on the right path

There may be no perfect map for raising emotionally healthy children after growing up with trauma, but there are signposts. Slow down. Get curious. Reach for support. Reconnect to the present moment and then return, again and again, to love.

“Parents often think they have to have it all figured out to break the cycle,” says Santisteban. “But just the awareness that something needs to change means you’re already doing it. Keep showing up with curiosity and empathy for yourself. That’s where the shift begins.”

As Powers reminds her clients: “You already have what it takes. The fact that you’re even asking these questions means you’re on the path.”