Getting kids to help around the house can be a real chore for parents. We know it's important -- but how do we motivate our elementary-age kids, who have so many "better" things to do? Some parents say the answer is to pay our young apprentices. But many experts advise against this.
Stephanie Cross, a parent educator and counselor in King and Snohomish counties, teaches a free parenting series called "Sanity Circus." Cross discourages parents from paying kids for completing household tasks. "We get our sense of belonging and significance by contributing," she says. "Children make meaningful contributions by taking part in family work. Reward discourages intrinsic motivation."
An allowance is okay, Cross says, if it's not linked to chores, and it's okay to give kids the chance to earn extra money by doing extra jobs, not routine household duties.
Kids are quick to pick up on underlying feelings, Cross says, so parents should try to model a healthy attitude to work. This applies especially to how we approach household chores, especially when children are watching -- or, better yet, helping.
"Enlist cooperation from your child," Cross says. "Start early, and don't remind or nag." Cross suggests working alongside children and inviting them to help. Consider it a long-term process that slowly builds a healthy work ethic, she cautions, not a quick fix for busy parents who simply want a job like loading the dishwasher or emptying the garbage DONE. When kids fall short of the mark, Cross suggests parents get creative. "Parents will have to look for solutions and go back to the drawing board again and again," she says. Problem solving at family meetings, choosing tasks from a job jar and rotating them regularly, and reminding kids firmly, "My job is X, Your job is Y," all contribute to how children integrate a healthy work ethic, Cross says.
"Kids need to feel that they are needed and really contributing to the group. It isn't just busy work," Cross says. "The primary goal of all human beings is to belong, and we achieve this through contributing." When kids learn this lesson without the carrot-and-stick of financial reward, their understanding of their own work's value in the largest sense will be deeper and more holistic, according to Cross.
Julie Moss Scandora is a Seattle mother of three grown children and author of One In A Million - Bringing Out What Is Wondrous In Your Child Through Trust, Understanding, And Respect. Scandora says parents should give kids a little leeway to perform tasks their own way. She never paid her kids for chores. "Children like to imitate and help with tasks," she explains. "My kids were happy to work. Because they identified with what they did, they were excellent workers. I felt they needed to learn how to do things, and I was respectful in how and when I asked for their help.
"Work is not some odious thing -- it's just a part of life. There were many things I just expected my kids to do, like bringing in groceries and making beds. I didn't see them as chores," she says.
Scandora admits that it was sometimes frustrating to let kids do things their own way. "Sometimes I would just remove myself physically and let them go at it. And if having something done exactly right really mattered, I didn't ask for their help on that thing." Scandora's kids had paid jobs for neighbors, doing yard work as young as age six or seven and eventually babysitting. Scandora feels this taught them the value of money. "Money is meaningless to kids who get too high an allowance," she says.
Helping kids develop a healthy work ethic gives parents the chance to examine our own feelings about why we work, beyond the paycheck. And if our children learn to embrace work as a means of personal satisfaction, not just a path to financial reward, they may eventually join the lucky number of adults who like, or even love, what they do.
Paula Becker is a Seattle freelance writer and mother of three.
Stephanie Cross recommends:
- Punished By Rewards and Unconditional Parenting, both by Alfie Kohn
- How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- For information on Sanity Circus contact the Puget Sound Adlerian Society at 206-527-2566 or http://psasadler.org/
Other helpful books:
- One In A Million by Julie Moss Scandora
- The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel, Ph.D.
- Kids and Money: Giving Them The Savvy To Succeed Financially by Jayne A. Pearl
- Kids, Money, & Values by Patricia Schiff Estess and Irving Barocas