It Took Only 8 Days Till He Came For Our Trans and Nonbinary Kids

I’m in the waiting room of the Seattle Children’s Hospital Adolescent Medicine clinic. It’s early afternoon and I’m here with my eldest, who’s following up from a small procedure (she’s fine).

At 17, she’s also fine leaving me behind as she heads back to see her care team. This fills me with pride for my nearly adult child, and also gives me an opportunity to observe the staff and patients from my vinyl loveseat against the wall.

The intake receptionist is so kind.

“Here’s your bracelet,” he says to each patient. “If you see anything on here you don’t want to see, feel free to cross it out.”

“Here’s a mental health questionnaire for you to fill in, if you feel comfortable. If not, no worries.”

“Have there been any changes to your name or pronouns since last visit?”

Everything he says seems designed to make the patients feel welcomed and safe. He’s also literally responsible for their safety, as he monitors the entrance to the clinic: a hardcore locked security door.

It’s necessary, especially now  —  because many of the teen patients are here for gender-affirming care.

I ache for these kids. Just minutes earlier, I received an alert for a new executive order that criminalizes their care, as well as their identities.

“PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM CHEMICAL AND SURGICAL MUTILATION” reads the title, all caps and angles, the serif font pointy with aggression. It opens with:

“Across the country today, medical professionals are maiming and sterilizing a growing number of impressionable children under the radical and false claim that adults can change a child’s sex through a series of irreversible medical interventions.”

My brain is already frazzled by the pace and ferocity of executive orders bombarding us these past eight days. I don’t have a child receiving gender-affirming care. But as the founder of a publication that focuses on parenting gender-nonconforming kids, I’m a bit gobsmacked that I happen to be in the clinic right as this executive order drops.

I ache for these kids. Just minutes earlier, I received an alert for a new executive order that criminalizes their care, as well as their identities.

I read the violent vocabulary in horror: “maiming,” “tragedy” and “mutilation.” They really like that last word; I count no fewer than 14 instances of “mutilate” in that hateful missive of an executive order.

The cognitive dissonance between the caring staff at this clinic and the rancorous words of this new administration is confounding and the hypocrisy, maddening.

My fear? It’s nearly paralyzing.

I can only imagine how it feels for these kids and their families.

I knew this was coming.

He campaigned on the message: She’s for they/them. He’s for you.

Conservatives have been whipping their base into a frenzy with absurd claims of children getting gender surgery at school.

The ACLU is tracking 245 anti-LGBTQ+ bills in the U.S.

And 39.4 percent of trans youth are already living in states that ban gender care.

So yeah, I knew this was coming. We all did. Even still, reading the order  —  and discovering it’s even more hostile than I expected  —  makes my guts churn.

He’s trying to erase the very existence of these kids.

But I see them, right in front of me. They look calm, loved and cared for, and glued to their phones as teens typically are. They seem normal to me, and certainly not mutilated.

The cognitive dissonance between the caring staff at this clinic and the rancorous words of this new administration is confounding and the hypocrisy, maddening.

I look to their parents. Parenting a gender-nonconforming child already comes with so many challenges. Now they have to negotiate … this?? How on earth can they comfort, embolden and protect their children against so much hatred?

I have no idea.

But of one thing I’m certain. Someone is “maiming” these “impressionable children” with “radical and false claims”  —  and it’s not the staff at the Seattle Children’s Adolescent Medicine clinic.

I take a closer read through the executive order as I wait for my child, and this paragraph grabs my attention with the subtlety of a sledgehammer:

“Countless children soon regret that they have been mutilated and begin to grasp the horrifying tragedy that they will never be able to conceive children of their own or nurture their children through breastfeeding. Moreover, these vulnerable youths’ medical bills may rise throughout their lifetimes, as they are often trapped with lifelong medical complications, a losing war with their own bodies, and, tragically, sterilization.”

I note the inaccuracies and lack of proof points, yes. But it’s all the language around parenting and birthing that makes my skin crawl; the presumption that all people  —  well, people with uteruses and breasts  —  want to become parents stands out as a tell for what’s coming next from this administration.

He intends to save us women from the “horrifying tragedy” of not birthing or breastfeeding  —  whether we want him to or not.

Whether we identify as women or not.

To him, sterilization is tragic because he sees women as a means to political ends, not as humans with free will. He doesn’t believe in our bodily autonomy, either. Trans rights and women’s rights are intertwined  —  and both in perilous positions.

Just as my inner monologue starts to downward spiral, I’m snapped back into the present by a nurse announcing the next patient’s name and welcoming them back.

For today, at least, they are still seen.

My kid wasn’t at the clinic for gender-affirming care. But it could have just as easily been my kid.

My youngest child went through a gender exploration a few years back. She explored different gender and sexual identities. It was a bit of a wild ride as a parent, but I firmly believe that keeping her grounded by letting her know we loved her no matter what turned it into a journey of self discovery and confidence. These days she’s back to a feminine presentation and using she/her pronouns. She’s a fierce ally for all kinds of minority groups, including LGBTQ+ friends. I know I’m biased, but she’s a rather lovely little human, and I think her gender exploration was a pivotal part of her coming of age.

It wasn’t always easy as a parent. I’ve written about my experience with our pediatrician offering hormone blockers to my then newly-out-as-genderfluid 11-year-old child. I was pissed about it, frankly. I didn’t (and still don’t) think we should assume a kid trying on a new pronoun needs medication  —  and I don’t believe an 11-year-old owns that decision.

One of the reasons I founded Pink Hair & Pronouns was I wanted to have nuanced conversations about issues like this. I’d hoped to create a space to discuss what it means to be an LGBTQ+ ally and also a concerned parent with doubts on how to navigate parenting a gender-nonconforming child on the front lines of this cultural conversation. This example of our pediatric visit could have found common ground with some more reluctant or even conservative readers, I thought.

But I don’t think like that anymore.

I no longer care for nuance on this topic. Because I know it’s impossible to discuss nuance in the face of persecution, and I don’t want to see these kids harmed.

I care about these kids.

I care that the current ruling party  —  and I’m using that gerund intentionally, because he’s not governing, he’s ruling us like a megalomaniac monarch  —  is scapegoating these kids for political gain.

I care that these kids are super vulnerable, and instead of being given a chance to explore and be heard, they’re being negated.

I care that these kids are being told by those in the highest levels of power that what they are is monstrous, harmful, an aberration, wrong. They are none of those things.

I care that people are using their belief system to trounce the rights of those with differing beliefs. You don’t have to believe gender is fluid in order to respect others who do. I’ve been subjected to religious ethos my entire adult agnostic/atheistic life, and I’ve learned how to make space for the beliefs of others. So long as your views are not doing harm, you’re free to believe what you wish.

But you’re not free to believe these kids are mutilations, nor that their parents and medical teams are abusers.

I think of the trust these kids showed their parents by confiding in them, and the respect these parents returned to their kids by believing in the conviction of their path.

You’re not free to drive up rates of mental health disorders or suicides among gender nonconforming kids to serve your own political power grab. That’s the true “stain on our Nation’s history.”

I care that the decision of what’s best for these kids has been taken away from parents, as well as from the trans kids themselves.

Not only that, but if the parents continue to seek care for their trans kid, they may be stripped of their custodial rights, to even accused of kidnapping  —  with a special emphasis on parents who live in sanctuary states like Washington. From the executive order:

“… prioritize investigations and take appropriate action to end child-abusive practices by so-called sanctuary States that facilitate stripping custody from parents who support the healthy development of their own children, including by considering the application of the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act and recognized constitutional rights.”

As I look around the waiting room at these families, I marvel at the conversations that must have transpired to get them here.

I think of the trust these kids showed their parents by confiding in them, and the respect these parents returned to their kids by believing in the conviction of their path.

I think of the sleepless nights and self-doubt that likely plagued these teens on their path to coming to their truths. I know for many, that path involves self-harm; according to the National Library of Medicine, 40 percent of transgender youth have attempted suicide. This clinic is truly a haven from harm.

I can only imagine the worry these parents have faced, and how much worse it’s going to get.

But for today, they are here: together, united in a plan of care, and with the guidance of doctors, nurses, social workers and therapists  —  all the support you’d hope a kid would have as they navigate such an impactful transition.

And here we all sit, with a 90-day mandate to tear it all down.

My kid returns to the lobby and stands beside my love seat, smiling.

“Everything good?” I ask.

“Yep, everything’s normal,” she answers, confident in her ability to access the medical care she needs.

“Do they need to talk to me about anything?” I ask.

“Nope, everything is fine.”

With this great news, we grab our bags head home. I want all of our kids to be able to do this, to proceed with the same confidence  —  for all their medical needs, including gender-affirming care.

I want them to know everything is fine.

Isn’t this what all parents want for their kids?

Within 18 hours of leaving the clinic, another executive order focused on trans kids called Ending Radical Indoctrination in K–12 Schooling was released. It forbids teachers and school counselors from supporting trans or nonbinary kids, among many other excruciating details for K–12 public education.

This obsession with erasing trans people should alarm you. I was raised Jewish and was instilled with a steady diet of Holocaust films. I know how this kind of attempted erasure can escalate to literal erasure.

I realize this sounds alarmist.

But if you’re not alarmed, you need to pay more attention  —  or adjust your moral compass.

In response to these executive orders, I made donations to the ACLU and Lambda Legal. If you’re able, I suggest you do the same.

They’re going to need all the support we can provide, to help all our kids through this.

Editor’s note: ParentMap publishes articles, op-eds and essays by people from all walks of life. The opinions expressed in their articles are their own and are not endorsed by ParentMap.