Talking to Kids About ICE: What to Say When the News Feels Scary

Key takeaways

• Start with calm, not answers. Kids take emotional cues from adults. Being steady and ready to listen matters more than having the perfect explanation.
• Let your child lead the conversation. Ask what they’ve heard and how they feel, then listen without correcting, debating or rushing to reassure them.
• Keep it age-appropriate. Younger kids need simple, concrete language and reassurance about safety; teens need space to share opinions and process complex feelings.
• Focus on emotional safety. Validate feelings, limit exposure to frightening details and remind kids that trusted adults — at home and at school — are working to keep them safe.
• You don’t have to get it perfect. These are ongoing conversations. Staying open and available helps kids feel more secure during uncertain times.

The texts buzzed fast. “ICE seen by schools.” Soon, unconfirmed sightings of Immigration and Customs Enforcement near our district’s schools were flying through my mom-o-sphere. Before long, six Seattle schools had ordered a shelter in place.

The rumors on Jan. 20 turned out to be false. The feelings they sparked were not. And if you haven’t talked with your kid yet about this tough topic, now might be a good time.

Why this feels so close to home

The recent scare in Seattle unfolded against the backdrop of rising ICE activity in our state. The Seattle Times reports that ICE detentions have surged 143 percent and deportations have nearly tripled since the federal crackdown began about a year ago. Although activity is not yet widespread in Washington, it is happening and causing fear for many students and families.

All of that can feel heavy for adults and for kids of all ages. Kids of the same age can vary widely in maturity and temperament. Dr. Laura Kastner, a clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, offers age-appropriate guidance for parents preparing to talk to their kids about ICE, or other times when the news or events at school make the world feel scary or uncertain.

Before you start the conversation

No matter your child’s age “start with your own chill pill,” says Kastner. You want to be “neutral, not passionate.” The goal is not to express your views but to create space for your child’s feelings. Remember, you don’t need to be perfect. What kids need most is a calm adult who will listen.

If you’re not feeling calm and open, seek support from other adults first. “Get settled before you enter this zone of an important parent-child dialogue,” she advises.

Next, remember your goal is to listen. When a topic is upsetting, parents often slip into lectures or rush to fill silence. Instead, let your child lead. Listening also means removing distractions so put your phone away.

Finally, don’t correct or debate. Whatever your child’s perceptions are in the moment, they’re real to them. “This isn’t about informing,” Kastner says. “It’s about allowing your kid to feel comfortable sharing and connecting.”

And don’t force it. If your child doesn’t want to talk, reassure them that’s okay and remind them you’re available later.

One boundary she suggests: Don’t reinforce the idea that school is unsafe. For example, repeatedly calling or texting during the school day can unintentionally increase anxiety. Treat school as a partner and remind your child, “The school wants you safe.”

Phrases that help kids open up

• “I’m glad you talked to me about this.”
• “It’s okay to feel angry, upset, confused, scared, etc.”
• “A lot of people feel the way you do.”
• “That’s interesting. Tell me more.”

Anxious kids may need reassurance more often. Even imperfect support can help them feel steadier in uncertain times.

Talking to elementary school kids, ages 5–10

Kids this age have big feelings and limited context. They may hear bits and pieces at school or from older siblings without fully understanding what’s happening. “Elementary kids are concrete,” Kastner says.

Use simple language and neutral questions:

• “Have you heard about what happened at school?”
• “What did you hear?”
• “Did you understand it?”
• “How did it make you feel?”

Ask one question at a time and let them talk. Avoid graphic details; if your child brings them up, focus on how the information made them feel and validate their emotions.

If your child sheltered-in-place

Try prompts like:

• “How did the shelter-in-place work today?”
• “What did the adults tell you?”
• “How was your day different?”

Help them connect feelings to body sensations:

• “Did your body feel wiggly or calm?”
• “How does it feel now?”

Movement, such as jumping jacks, stretching or a walk, can help reset their nervous systems, Kastner says. Ask what helps their body feel better.

You can also ask:

• “What helped you feel better?”
• “Is there anything you wish adults had explained differently?”

Reassure them that schools are doing their best to keep kids safe.

Talking to middle schoolers, ages 11–13

Middle schoolers may be seeing social media posts, rumors and strong opinions online. They are more abstract thinkers but still developing emotional regulation. Your goal is an open-ended, non-leading discussion, not a lecture.

Start with:

• “What have you seen or heard about this?”
• “How did that make you feel?”

Some kids will shrug it off; others may be deeply upset or fired up about fairness. Let them talk without interruption, even if their facts aren’t perfect.

If your child sheltered-in-place

You might ask:

• “What did you think it meant?”
• “Did it remind you of other drills?”
• “How was it the same or different?”
• “What were friends saying?”

You can also ask:

• “Were there questions no one answered?”
• “Is there anything adults could do next time to help students feel safer?”

More socially aware kids may be worried about friends or targeted groups.

Ask:

• “Are any of your friends worried about their families?”
• “Do you think what’s happening is fair or unfair?”

If your child feels strongly, help them find constructive ways to channel that energy, such as writing, learning more or peaceful civic engagement.

Talking to teens, ages 14–18

Teens are forming opinions and may be skeptical of adults, especially their parents or caregivers. Kastner’s trick: Ask for their perspective.

High schoolers like to explain “how it is” to parents. Asking their opinion and really listening helps them feel respected. Avoid interrupting or arguing. If they ask for your view, keep it brief.

Conversation starters:

• “What did you think about the shelter-in-place?”
• “Did it raise concerns for you about safety or fairness?”
• “What would you want school leaders to understand?”
• “Do you have ideas about what should change?”

Older teens may want to act, through discussion, organizing or advocacy. Offer to help them think through safe, constructive options.

You don’t have to get this perfect

Conversations about tough topics are ongoing. As kids grow and learn, their feelings will shift. But if you keep giving your child space to explore and express, you’re doing it right. Above all, “just listen,” Kastner says.

For families most affected by fear or trauma

If your child is directly connected to someone impacted by ICE, has witnessed troubling videos or shows lasting anxiety (fear of school, repeated nightmares, physical complaints), consider talking with a mental health professional or school counselor, or reach out to one of these resources:

• Seattle Children’s Mental Health Services: Outpatient therapy, psychiatry and family support services for children and teens
• Crisis Connections (King County): Provides crisis intervention, emotional support and referrals for youth and families. 24-Hour Crisis Line: 866-427-4747
• Teen Link: A confidential help line for teens, answered by trained teen volunteers. Call 866-833-6546 or text 866-833-6546, daily, 6–10 p.m.