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But our government has shown that those who step in to help risk being hurt or killed. Photo: iStock
When my children were born in 2011 and 2014, I couldn’t imagine the difficult conversations that would come in time. We’ve had the typical discussions about strangers, drilling into their minds to never get into a stranger’s car, and to use modes of self-defense (eye gouging or kneeing the genitals) should they find themselves in a dangerous situation.
We’ve talked about intruder drills at school and internet safety at home. As a Jewish family, we’ve had conversations about rising levels of antisemitism including the shooting at Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh and the recent shooting at Bondi Beach in Australia.
And recently, we’ve discussed the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents who are violently patrolling the streets in Minnesota.
Each time we’ve talked about these acts of violence — atrocities I never imagined would be happening in my children’s lives — I have found comfort in ending our discussions with the words of Mr. Rogers: “Look for the helpers.” This has always given them a sense of control, because it gives them a plan. It’s also given me the peace I need to keep mothering in a world so torn.
Those simple words have kept us whole as the world shatters around us.
But on Jan. 24, ICE killed a helper, and now that phrase no longer holds the power it once did. Alex Pretti, an intensive care unit nurse at the Minneapolis Veterans Affairs hospital, was videoing ICE agents during an altercation. According to video footage, and in contradiction to officials who insist he violently resisted efforts to disarm him, he calmly videoed the situation and appeared to step in between an ICE agent and two civilians to protect them. Pretti was pepper sprayed and forced to the ground by multiple agents, repeatedly hit, and ultimately shot and killed.
In that moment, the helper I always tell my children to look for was murdered for doing the right thing, and now the words that brought us a sense of peace in times of chaos are no longer supportive. They’re broken and in need of repair.
I no longer have the answers my children need and deserve. I once told them to look for helpers because they could provide safety and comfort, but that no longer feels true. I still tell my children not only to look for the helpers, but to be helpers themselves — to step in and do the right thing when someone needs help. But our government has shown that those who put humanity first, who step in to help, risk being hurt or killed even when they pose no reasonable threat and have done nothing wrong. As a mother, I’m officially lost.
As I attempt to gather my thoughts over the last couple days, I’m remembering who I wanted my children to be on the day they each were born. As their mother, my goal is to teach them right from wrong. It’s my job to show them that all human life is precious and deserving of respect and kindness. While some celebrate the acts of ICE despite the loss of innocent life in recent weeks, I will continue to parent the same way I always have because there is no other way to proceed. Shying away from helping is being complicit. That is not something I am willing to do.
ICE has taken our collective sense of peace and safety. They have replaced kindness with authoritarian control. They have made some believe their innocent neighbors are criminals. Now they are trying to shatter the words my family has come to rely on. But I’m piecing them back together for us, and for all of humanity.
I’ll keep talking to my children about immigration, why people choose to come to America, how most of our families started somewhere else, and how treating anyone inhumanly is never okay for any reason. Advising them to be a helper will always be on my parenting agenda because I’ll never regret raising courageous, compassionate men like Alex Pretti. “Alex wanted to make a difference in this world,” his parents said in a statement released by the Minnesota Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party; and he did. I hope my boys will one day do the same.
The phrase, “look for the helpers” has been part of our family’s conversations since the day I became a mother. Now, as the atmosphere in our country grows darker and our government makes those words feel harder to hold onto, I’ll keep saying them.
I’ll say them louder, and I hope you will too. Because it’s never wrong to help. Look for the helpers. They’re some of the very best people in the world.
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