We are coming up on the end of summer, and I don’t like it any more than you do. In fact, on the first day of school, you’ll find me kicking and screaming my way through the hallways of my kids’ school. School administrators will probably have security remove me again, since I am not enrolled and my children will be a bit embarrassed by the whole thing. I can see their eyes rolling already.
But that’s not the point. The point is that fall is coming and in order to get through this crisis, we all need our coping mechanisms. And I can help. Who better to help you cope than the lady being escorted off school premises? No one, that’s who.
My favorite end of summer coping technique is where I compare and contrast pool time from the beginning of summer to the end. It helps me to see how far we’ve come, or how far gone we are. It’s a little comparison checklist I do at the pool. You can borrow it and use it at your pool to see if it helps you.
Unfortunately, I didn’t prepare you to make the beginning observations before summer started. It’s OK; you can cheat off of my list. Just don’t let the teacher catch you.
Beginning of summer poolside observations:
- The moms have their legs shaved.
- Snacks are seen around the pool. These wholesome snacks include things like almonds or various other “skinny bikini body” snacks.
- Everyone does a collective “suck in” of their tummy as they walk into the locker room of the pool. They do not relax again until they leave the locker room.
- The hair is done. The highlights are fresh. The roots are covered.
- Everyone cordially smiles.
- Politeness is smacking you in the face. There are "excuse-mes" issued by all and kids wait their turn.
But that was then and this is now. And oh, how things have changed. Look around you at the pool. Are you seeing what I’m seeing here?
- “There appears to be a Sasquatch in the pool,” people say as I swim by them. My long shiny hair floating behind me. And by hair, I mean leg hair.
- There was a mother who smuggled an entire pizza into the pool area. She may have been chewing on crust when she went by me. I stared in awe and appreciation. Almonds, schmalmonds.
- No one has time to suck in their gut. I have kids to try to forcibly remove from the pool and I can’t focus on sucking in and cursing under my breath.
- The hair highlights have grown out. Now we are pretending that we are going for the ombre look. You can’t prove that it’s just laziness.
- There is a smile on our faces. It might be a little bit vacant. There could be an eye twitch that wasn’t there before. It’s been a long summer.
- The water is splashed excessively. Every time you turn around there is another cannonball spraying urine-filled chlorine water into your already red eyes. It burns, for the love of Pete, it burns! There are no “I’m sorries.” It could be my imagination, but I think I hear evil cackles of delight.
Those perceived laughs ring through my ears as we leave the pool for the last time this summer. I picture a scene from an action movie where the pool explodes behind me, but we don’t look back. We are the gangsters; nothing can stop us now.
But my fantasy comes to a screaming halt as I stumble and drop my keys, my moment of imaginary coolness evaporating. It's back to mom life for me. Farewell summer. See you next year.