I Love Baby Names

heartsmiley1It’s that time of year again! The time for reflection. The time for eating. The time for getting passive-aggressively mad when “somebody” (I’m not naming names here, not at all) doesn’t get you the right gift (because, Honey, a scratched coffee mug with an angel on it bought at the all-night store that also happens to sell Slurpees does not count as forethought).

It’s also time for that particular brand of content that we’ve all come to expect and which helps us, in this time of reflection and suspect gifts, catalog the year that has passed and prepare for the future. I almost wrote suture there. But, I digress ...

I’m talking, of course, about the year-in-review story. And more specifically, the very specific genre of year-in-review story that is the baby name story.

It’s been all over the parenting Interwebs these past few days. Here, and here, here, and here, too.

What is it with baby names, anyway? Why are we obsessed with them? No sooner is someone knocked up than the conjecture begins. And if the pregnant person is a famous person, forget it: We’re rabidly obsessed. Because names are so very important. They reveal much and predict even more. Know someone’s name and you know … their name.

This year, trends can be summarized by: names based off Social Media 101; types of weapons; words with two letters or fewer; and botanical weeds.

So I’ve been thinking maybe I should create my own version of the baby name story, conveying critical, relatable and relevant information to anyone having anything to do with … names. This is clearly content that parents cannot live without.

I propose we broaden it out well beyond celebrities, though. Because as soon as one Blue or Hashtag is named, the name suddenly becomes as stale and old as postal-service-delivered fruitcake, and no one else gets to partake in the limelight without being labeled a copycat. A fail. Let’s be more inclusive, I say:

1. Top Baby Name for Writers: En-Dash (next siblings, Em-Dash and Tilde)

2. Top Universally Understood Baby Name for Raising a “Global Citizen”: OK

3. Top Multipurpose Baby Name: H_ _ gm _ n

4. Top Baby Name for Important Executive: Inamtg

5. Top Emoticon Baby Name: See above

6. Top Cuss Word Baby Name: Just kidding. This is a family publication; do you think I want to become an unpaid blogger?

7. Top Meme-Worthy Baby Name: #WhoCares

8. Top Pointless Nod to Politics Name: Fiscal (middle name Clifford)

9. Top Baby Name if You Expect Your Baby Will Possess a Higher-Than-Average IQ: Isotope Fred Tamarisk. And if you don’t know why, maybe you’re not ready for such a smart baby.

10. Top Baby Name for Kids Whose Mothers Were Born in the ’70s: Jjjjehnyfir, Hthr, and Mullyszaaah.

11. Top Baby Name for Urban Goat Farmers: TheOtherCheese

12. Top Baby Name for People Who Are Gluten Free: Wheaties

And additional categories vying for the 2013 list:

Top Baby Name for Dental Hygienist

Top Baby Name if You Expect You Will Never Be Featured in US Weekly magazine

Top Baby Name if You Plan to Redshirt Your Kindergartener

Top Baby Name That Coordinates Well with Mom’s Tattoo

Top Baby Name for Unpaid Bloggers

Did I miss anything?


In between glue-stick runs and coffee binges, Natalie Singer-Velush is ParentMap’s Web Editor. Natalie, who hated her own name as a child, lives in Seattle with her husband and two school-aged daughters, one of whom is trendily named after a noxious weed, and the other whose name contains a "double L" and is apparently now, like, totally passé.

There are no comments yet. Be the first to comment

Read Next