Deciding What to Keep From a Marriage After Divorce

In the course of their divorces, a lot of people — especially women — ask me what they should do with all the mementos they’ve collected during their marriage and the time leading up to it when they were falling in love. They’re usually talking about photos with their ex (the first item that comes to mind), and after that, souvenirs they’ve collected from their travels, as well as jewelry, handbags and other gifts their spouse gave them over the years.

Ask a group for advice, and you’ll get one of four different answers for whatever objects are in question: leave it where it is, pack it up for safekeeping, sell it (if it has a market value) or throw it away. The thing is, how you feel about these items can change over time. It’s why I suggest asking yourself the following questions before making a decision you might regret.

How does seeing it make you feel today?

Emotions during a divorce are often at their most raw, and what can set them off can be unpredictable. Photos, especially, tend to evoke strong feelings, so having framed images of anniversary parties and sunsets in tropical locations all around your home can become a constant reminder of what’s changed in your life.

If you’re having a visceral reaction to certain objects, it can help to remove them from sight, at least for now. That being said, your children’s bedrooms should remain their space and not be cleansed of keepsakes that remind them of their family experiences.

Depending on the child’s age, you may also choose to relocate a few items from common areas to spaces they occupy exclusively, such as a rec room, bedroom or kids-only bathroom. Don’t forget to ask the child first before making additions if they're old enough to express their opinion.

Do you think you might want it later?

Feelings change as a divorce progresses and after it has been finalized. I’ve seen plenty of spouses who couldn’t last more than a few minutes in the same room without arguing become not only strong co-parents, but also good friends once they adjusted to living apart.

Though you may not anticipate that happening, anything is possible. Meaning, you may want that painting you and your spouse bought for your home while vacationing in Italy, or the watch your ex bought you for your 40th birthday.

Keep in mind that you may want to keep something, whether it reminds you of your ex or not, simply because you like it. There’s no hard-and-fast rule that you have to purge your home or your life of everything from your past.

Will your children want it when they’re older?

If you decide to go the purging route, consider whether your children, or someone else in your family, might appreciate having these items later. Photos and other souvenirs cannot be replaced; once they’re destroyed, they’re gone forever.

Sure, you may not want them, which is understandable, but it doesn’t mean someone else won’t. If you’re talking about an individual too young to decide, you may have to decide on their behalf. So do your best to put yourself in their shoes before taking any action that’s permanent.

Do you have the space to store it comfortably?

You may have the best of intentions to save mementos from your marriage, but not the space to do so comfortably. If you don’t have room in your home, do your best to find a temporary place for items you want to keep, perhaps a storage unit or at a relative’s, until you can take back or rehome them permanently.

Apart from storing your belongings, you can pare down by offering your ex or other relatives and friends what you don’t want or have space to keep, or by donating items that could benefit others. You could also sell what has a market value.

It’s helpful to remember that not everything must be saved for you to memorialize and honor the time you and your ex shared as a couple. So, if you don’t have the space, don’t beat yourself up over it. Many people downsize after a divorce or simply want to live in an environment free of the past.

There are no wrong answers here. Only choices that fit who you are right now and where you hope to be next.