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“Why do I get all the criticism, the back talk, the complaints — and my husband gets a hall pass?”
“The kids come to me with every little and big problem, but the second I show a hint of frustration, they bite my head off. If I get upset with my husband, they defend him and turn on me.”
“I do most of the parenting, but I take nearly all the emotional hits. It’s just not fair.”
Even in the most egalitarian marriages with men who are loving fathers, many mothers feel unappreciated, overburdened and, frankly, dumped on. Why is this dynamic so common? And what can we learn from both research and real family experiences to make sense of it?
In my decades of work as a clinical psychologist specializing in child, marital and family therapy, I have heard these heartfelt complaints countless times. They are voiced with exhaustion, hurt and deep confusion — and they cross every socioeconomic, cultural and family structure line.
The short answer? It’s complicated. But research sheds important light.
Children adjust their behavior depending on who they are with, showing more emotional rawness where they sense the greatest safety.
Mother-child vs. father-child connections: Different, not better or worse
First, studies consistently show that children typically form different types of emotional connections with mothers and fathers. It’s not that kids love one parent more or less — the relational dynamics just vary.
As researchers like Michael Lamb and Ross Parke have shown for decades, mothers often serve as the emotional anchors in children’s lives, while fathers frequently promote exploration, rough-and-tumble play and boundary testing. Mothers model emotional openness, encouraging “feelings talk” and providing nurturance. As children grow, this deep emotional connection remains — but it comes with a cost: Children are also more likely to dump their frustrations on the parent they trust the most.
Even highly engaged and mild-mannered fathers somehow get more compliance and less verbal clobbering. When my sweet-natured husband would occasionally confront our peppy boy’s shenanigans, he got results. But I got a lot of guff before I got cooperation. I talked about ten times as much too; I had to — I was the CDO (Chief Domestic Officer, who runs the Office of Everything Nobody Notices).
Research shows fathers more often set limits with brevity, engage children through activities and evoke more behavioral inhibition — meaning kids tend to be better behaved, show more manners and test limits less around their dads. Kids may not seek emotional support from dads directly, but they sure want to make their dads proud and avoid their disapproval.
Children adjust their behavior depending on who they are with, showing more emotional rawness where they sense the greatest safety. For many families, that’s Mom.
It’s not the gender of the parent that matters most; it’s the parenting style and personality.
Why parenting style and personality matter
In LGBTQ+ families and households where traditional gender roles are more fluid, we see something important: It’s not the gender of the parent that matters most; it’s the parenting style and personality.
Children tend to confide more in the parent who is emotionally expressive. They are more obedient and deferential to the parent who offers structure with clear boundaries and fewer words. If you are the one managing both emotional openness and day-to-day expectations, you’re likely to get both the heartwarming moments and the emotional dumping.
Of course, I always like to qualify this idea by explaining these patterns are general trends. In many families, dads are the emotional hubs and moms are the boundary-setters. In LGBTQ+ families, the dynamics depend entirely on the roles and temperaments of the individuals, not on gender.
Why kids dump more on parents today
Parents often ask me: Is today’s generation of kids just emotionally dumping more than those of the past? The short answer is yes, and it’s partly by design.
Each generation reacts to the one before it. Many of today’s parents grew up with more authoritarian models: I give the order, you go do it. In that model, obedience was prized and emotional expression was minimized.
Building on the foundational research of Diana Baumrind, who first described parenting styles, today’s parents aspire to practice authoritative parenting that includes authority but also a value on warmth and secure attachment, as well as the emotional health of the child. Research consistently shows that authoritative parenting fosters better emotional regulation, stronger mental health and better decision-making in kids.
The catch? When fear-based obedience fades, kids feel freer to express their full emotional range — including some attitudes and feelings that are often viewed as obnoxious. Even wonderful, high-functioning kids can dump torrents of negativity during the middle and high school years. Most kids grow out of it by the end of adolescence — but meanwhile, many moms bear the brunt of their emotional growing pains.
Working on this pattern in therapy
I sometimes call this the “over/under” pattern: One parent feels like they’re doing everything — and getting all the grief, while the other feels like they’re just trying to stay out of trouble.
One mother I worked with was getting hit from all sides — rudeness, put-downs and back talk from her three kids. Meanwhile Dad seemed to play the good cop, focusing on sports and fun. She was exhausted and resentful. Dad was frustrated too: He felt like no matter what he did, he was getting “bad grades” from Mom on his parenting report card.
This is the heart of a systems issue — when one parent changes, it makes room for the other to grow too.
They needed a reset. Both parents agreed to take on homework assignments.
Mom’s job was to slash her word count — fewer lectures, fewer reminders — while still holding high expectations for her kids. She would also leave the house one night a week and one afternoon on weekends, leaving Dad fully in charge of homework, playdates, screens, chores and bedtimes. It would mean lowering her standards a bit, but raised her “me time” quota.
Dad’s assignment related to emotional leadership. He wanted his kids to open up to him, but I pointed out that openness starts at the top. I asked him to practice sharing highs and lows with his kids — moments when he felt proud and moments when he stumbled, regretted or struggled. Why expect emotional honesty from kids if we don’t model it first? It wasn’t easy. Even with a list of feeling words in front of him, Dad struggled at first. Success came through practice.
The results were heartening. Mom was elated to see Dad building emotional bridges, and Dad was relieved to see Mom pulling back on the nagging. (I like to keep things equitable in my therapy challenges.) It wasn’t perfect, but it was real growth. Dad felt closer to the kids. Mom felt lighter. And together they started breaking free of old gender traps they’d slipped into without even noticing.
This is the heart of a systems issue — when one parent changes, it makes room for the other to grow too. But it takes patience and the guts to let a little messiness be part of the process.
The payoff of emotional openness
When parents create emotional safety, kids not only feel freer to express themselves, they also feel freer to bring the problems that really matter to the parents.
The ultimate payoff is children with higher emotional intelligence who come to us when the chips are down.
I see it all the time — kids asking mom for advice about toxic friendships, drama at school, abusive coaches or romance struggles. Emotionally attuned kids often bring these things to parents if they trust them with their feelings.
It’s okay, and even healthy, for there to be emotional skirmishes along the way, as long as we own and repair our shortcomings. This is how intimacy is built. The ultimate payoff is children with higher emotional intelligence who come to us when the chips are down.
Research backs this up. Joseph Allen at the University of Virginia found that teen girls who have higher levels of conflict with their mothers also show stronger refusal skills with peers. Practicing assertiveness at home, even when it feels disrespectful, appears to help teens stand up for themselves in the real world. Yet another payoff for building strong parent-child connections, even when the path gets bumpy.
This idea is also part of the “marketing” I do with dads. I remind them that if they want their daughters to stand up for themselves in relationships (romantic or otherwise), it’s time to get into the emotional game. If they want their sons to develop emotional intelligence so they can excel on work teams or be chosen by evolved mates, dads need to prove their emotional and social mettle by sharing their own tough moments, building that critical bridge of emotional trust.
Why it’s worth it
It’s not just about easing daily frustrations. It’s about building a better family system. When parents work to untangle gendered patterns, everyone wins. The load feels fairer. Resentments fade. Kids witness communication that’s nurturing, emotionally honest and respectful of boundaries. Nobody’s stuck playing the victim or the bad guy. And maybe best of all, children internalize what they see — learning that emotional openness, leadership and responsibility aren’t mom jobs or dad jobs. They’re human skills they’ll carry into their own futures.
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