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Limiting and tracking screen time. Keeping up with the latest social media sites you definitely don’t want the kids on. Devising intricate reward structures just to get your kids off their phones at dinnertime. When did parenting become a war against the machines? And will it ever stop?
For many parents, tackling tech is an overwhelming issue, and the stakes have only gotten higher since the U.S. surgeon general released his report on the devastating effects of social media on youth mental health last spring.
Warning shots have been fired, parents, and we’ve all been thrust into the trenches, whether we like it or not.
So when I had the chance to sit down with author and former social media influencer Erin Loechner to talk about tech, algorithms and her recently released book, “The Opt-Out Family: How to Give Your Kids What Technology Can’t,” I jumped at the chance. Loechner has successfully wrested her family from Big Tech’s hold, trading her million followers and six-figure earnings for, in her words, “people over pixels.” For families hoping to live with a little less tech and a little more time appreciating the real world, Loechner has ideas. Here’s what she had to say.
Tell me a little about your background, your life as an influencer and what prompted you to leave that world despite your success.
As a former six-figure influencer with a million followers, I became privy to the inner workings of the algorithm, of the pitch decks and influencer asks and brand requests that capitalize on vulnerability, humanity and relational empathy en masse. (If you’ve ever wondered why everyone is crying in their cars on Insta stories, it’s because those posts perform best and are continually requested by brands.)
I’d already known from my HGTV.com show that product trends stem from years of demographic research and sociological forecasting. But now, the conversations in conference rooms and board meetings aren’t just talking about trending products; they are talking about trending people. We are numbers, we are dollars, we are visits and hits and metrics. It became clear that the medium I was participating in was designed to devalue our humanity for the sake of a sweater on sale.
I feel fortunate that this realization grew as did my children (now almost 12, 8 and 4), and I recognized that if I were to march to the predetermined pace of the algorithm, I’d be parenting a lot more often with a phone in my hand than without. I also knew these social media platforms — as they existed at the time, and sadly, still exist today — were no place for a child to spend time in or with. I wanted something different for my kids (truly, all kids), and I was willing to go first. I thought, “If I can carry on doing the work I love without a social media presence, then it must not be as inevitable or necessary as society makes it out to be.”
(I’m happy to report that I was right.)
What’s the most important thing your family gained by opting out? Are there things you miss out on (or feel like you’re missing out on) by being tech-free?
Time. We’re not frittering away time watching other people experience life — we’re experiencing it ourselves. We’re taking from life what is offered to us: the freedom to play and learn and experiment and grow. That means, of course, in any given week, we might build a Viking ship replica, or host a pickup basketball tournament, or design an off-grid farm, or sew a doll wardrobe, or throw an ’80s-era dinner party or bake a half-dozen pies for our neighbors to taste test. That also means, of course, we’ve missed out on the latest cat video or meme. It’s a trade-off I’m willing to live with.
An important idea in your book is for parents to “specialize in predictive humanization” to compete with tech’s algorithms. Can you explain what that is and why it’s an important element of going tech-free?
Predictive personalization is a strategy baked into every successful social media algorithm. The program takes just a few pieces of data — location, age, interests, etc. — and uses that information to predict someone’s behavior, needs or wants in order to serve them content tailored to those desires. This is why your Instagram ads are continually showing you products you didn’t even know existed but are exactly what you’ve been looking for (ahem, weighted blankets).
My thought is this: If technology specializes in predictive personalization, let’s be parents that specialize in predictive humanization. Let’s protect our children from anyone — or any place — that seeks to manipulate their interests for profit or gain or worth. Let’s instead help guide them to places that offer delight while asking nothing from them in return: a bed of pine needles, a crackling hearth. Laps for reading, skies for gazing, hammocks for swaying and dreaming. Delight.
No matter what your family dynamic looks like right now, you have this very tool at your disposal. You, as a parent, have the potential to employ this strategy better than any AI machine learning algorithm ever could. Why? Because TikTok can’t tell your daughter how she liked her strawberries cut when she was 3. TikTok doesn’t have data for your son’s first words, or his favorite memory or the name of the stuffed teddy that he slept with for eight years straight.
But you do, and it’s all you need to start. The best algorithms begin with data, and data is what we, as parents, have in spades. Let’s use that to our advantage. (So many specific examples in the book!)
What do parents miss or get wrong about limiting or reducing kids’ social media use and screen time? What do you suggest instead?
I think what we often get wrong is that, in many cases, opting out is far easier than parents think. It’s moderation that is hard. When we’re at the mercy of constant time management and check-ins and parental controls and screen time charts, we’re setting ourselves up as tech managers, rather than parents and mentors and trusted confidantes. By prioritizing one proactive decision now (no smartphone), we’re saving ourselves from prioritizing the countless reactive decisions that come later. (Which apps are OK? Which are safe? Is she spending too much time with it? What if she sees something inappropriate? What if he hacks the settings? What if they encounter bullying? A predator? And the list goes on …). Once we can begin to consider the topic from a first order thinking vs. second order thinking perspective, it’s easy to see which choice offers less overwhelm in the long run.
What impact did opting out have on your kids’ schooling and educational experiences?
While I can’t speak for the alternative because a tech-free education is a path we’ve unapologetically traversed from the beginning, I know that my children do not struggle to focus, nor do they battle dysregulation, overstimulation, disruption of the body clock, poor concentration, hormonal imbalances or chronic stress levels — all of which are noted to carry an overwhelming correlation to screen usage in the classroom.
To borrow a point from Dr. Victoria Dunckley, a wonderful resource I relied on throughout the writing of my book: “There’s a persistent worry [I see] from parents: If I continue to restrict access to technology, will my child get left behind? But supporting brain integration by being as screen-free as possible means you’ll be optimizing your child’s learning ability,” Dr. Dunckley explains. “A child who has great computer skills but poor frontal lobe functioning will have trouble advancing in anything, since good frontal lobe function is needed to ‘get things done,’ tolerate frustration and develop a strong social network. The frontal lobe is where creativity, innovation, discipline, ‘big picture’ thinking, and grit are born and bred.”
“So who will be left behind?” she quips. “The child who cannot concentrate.”
In a world that’s inundated with tech, how do you and your kids uphold your family’s tech guidelines when you’re out in the world — playing with friends, at school, attending activities, etc.?
It’s a simple metric for us: people over pixels. At all times, whenever possible, we’re going to choose to be present for and to the people around us, rather than keeping one eye on our inbox, or game stats or social media likes, etc.
Practically speaking, I’m often without a phone entirely, as are my children, so it’s an easy value to uphold. There’s no temptation to snap a quick photo or check a quick email or perform any of those “quick” tasks that often pull us out of a moment. Instead, we find ourselves enjoying the day for what it is, not the content it can provide.
If families want to join the opt-out movement, what’s the easiest first step?
My first recommendation is for parents to experiment with a dumbed-down device (it takes just two minutes — and is 100 percent free! — right here.) The second? Join (or launch!) a Co-Opt-Out in your hometown. With plug-and-play text message scripts, suggested activities, guidelines and FAQs, it’s the easiest way to meet like-minded families and experience a vibrant social circle with others who are willing to forgo social media in favor of social meaning.
What’s one takeaway you hope families get from reading your book?
My deepest hope is that parents everywhere can read “The Opt-Out Family” and experience the freedom that comes with shelving the tech battle altogether — of opting out instead of tiptoeing in, compromising inch by inch until we eventually wave the white flag of Big Tech surrender. The truth is, we don’t have to be victims of Silicon Valley’s latest whims. We can rally and rise up and choose something better for our kids, and we have every tool necessary to do that. The bottom line is this: We’re not opting out because we’re fearful. We’re opting out because we believe in a bold and revolutionary generation, and we’re not afraid to raise the kids that will soon become it.
