Things My Child Knows That Donald Trump Does Not

Why I would rather my 8-year-old run for president than Donald Trump

Photo: Taken in New York City, NY on September 3 2015, iStock

Editor's note: We regularly publish opinion pieces on ParentMap. All views expressed in opinion pieces are solely those of the writer. 

Dear Child,

I need to talk to you about something.

You may have noticed some tension in our house lately. There has been confusion, odd silences, expressions of shock and revulsion, and, occasionally, tears. You know that this been about something called, “Trump.” It began as, “Trump!” Then it was, “Trump?” And, most recently, “Trump?!” Normally I wouldn’t expose you to this kind of ugliness while you are still so young and innocent, but, unfortunately, my hand has been forced.

You see, there is this man — yes, the orange, fluffy one — who is running for President of the United States named Donald Trump. You’ve seen snippets of him on our TV when I’ve been too slow to change the channel. You’ve heard about him from some of your classmates at school. Given the way I’ve raised you, you are no doubt confused as to why a grown-up who does all the things I tell you not to do may be our next president. 

I’ve said that I want my president to act like a grown-up, but then I realized that I really just want him or her to have the same basic values that my second-grader does.

Sorry. Mommy just got a little nauseated for a second there. Is Mommy sick? Yes, yes I am.

I’m sick that our country is throwing its support behind a man who makes fun of the disabled and hates women. You’re right — it’s not nice to make fun of people. And, the fact that you know this brings me to an idea I have.

I would like you, my 8-year-old child, to run for president.

Yes, you’ll have to miss some school. Yes, you can bring your stuffed animals on the campaign trail. No, I can’t guarantee that the kind of mac and cheese you like will be available everywhere. Just hear me out for a second here, okay?

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, and I believe that not only would you be a great president, but you’ve also got a real shot at winning. I’ve said that I want my president to act like a grown-up, but then I realized that I really just want him or her to have the same basic values that my second-grader does. I’m not saying I’m the greatest parent in the world, but I do know that I have raised you with morals and beliefs that already put you leaps and bounds above Mr. Trump.

Here are just a few of the things that you know that Mr. Trump does not:

1. No one likes a bully except other bullies.

Bullies are people who have nothing going for them except the ability to hurt other people’s feelings. You know that I would be devastated to learn that you were trying to get other people to do what you want by threatening them, the way Mr. Trump does. You would also lose all of your electronic privileges, something that — God willing — should happen to him as well.

2. When you use words like “dumb” and “idiot,” you look like someone who doesn’t have any real answers.

When you call someone an idiot, you prove nothing except that you don’t have access to a thesaurus and a first-grade education. As a second-grader, you already know that we don’t use those words. Well done!

3. People have a right to different opinions.

There are a lot of people in this world, and they all think differently. Some of them aren’t going to like you, and that’s okay. If someone says, “I don’t like you,” saying, “Well, that’s just because you’re a dumb failure,” doesn’t do much beyond giving other people a reason to agree with them.

4. Making fun of people because of their differences is never, ever acceptable.

When Donald Trump made fun of that disabled reporter or made fun of women because of the way they look, you were horrified. And then you asked if we could watch Littlest Pet Shop. Enough said.

5. Who runs the world? Girls.

6. If you’re going to argue about something, try to have some facts to back up your position.

For example, if you say you want pasta for dinner again tonight because “Pasta is the best. It’s the greatest. It’s so great that you won’t even believe how great it is,” you are going to lose that argument.

7. Winning isn’t everything.

Remember that time when we played chess, and you lost and had a temper tantrum? We talked about how, in life, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Remember how we discussed that losing doesn’t make you a “loser” it makes you human? Also, never forget that if you are ever captured as a prisoner of war, mommy will still think you’re a hero.

8. Take the high road.

Sometimes the world is a bad place, and sometimes you have to interact with bad people. But the only thing you can control is yourself and your reaction to things, so always take the high road. If you’re going to stand out in a group of people, do it by being the good guy, not the insult comic.

Now, are there things you will need to work on before this campaign goes national? Yes. You’ll want to stop picking your nose in public because the press will have a field day with that. It would also be a good idea if you stopped having slap fights with your siblings because we need you out there on the stump not in your room in time out.

Child, you can make America great again just by keeping it okay and not allowing it to go down the toilet (yes, I know, very funny, I said “toilet”) with a man like Donald Trump.

We can hold your first bake-sale fundraiser after school.

All my love,


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