Why Self-Regulation Is a Parent’s Most Powerful Tool

Editor’s note: This article was sponsored by the Seattle Children’s Hospital.

Picture the scene: Two siblings are fighting and their mom is desperately trying to implement all the behavioral tips she’s studied to ease the conflict. But the bickering kids keep at it. She feels herself getting more and more tense and frustrated. After repeating herself again and again, the exasperated mom yells, criticizes and threatens severe punishments.

This scenario is likely familiar to many parents and caregivers who may struggle to control their own reactions to kids’ behaviors, says psychologist Tyler Sasser. In his work in the Behavior and Attention Management Program at Seattle Children’s Hospital, Sasser and his team listen to parents describe the relatable challenges of self-regulation.

“I’m yelling and saying things that I don’t mean,” he says, recounting these conversations. “I’m doing things that aren’t changing anything and yet I keep repeating the same pattern.”

Admittedly, it’s difficult to stay regulated when your child is pushing all the right buttons. But keeping your cool creates a powerful model for children and allows you to show up in a way that can actually improve family dynamics. Plus, these efforts boost caregivers’ well-being and self-image.

“I think that parents are hungry for this kind of work, even if they don’t know it initially,” he says. “Some of it is about our kids, but a lot of it is about our own temperaments and personalities, how we were raised and how our identity affects how we show up in any given parenting moment.”

Regulate yourself first

Sasser often hears from parents who aren’t showing up in the way they want. Some parents are prone to the anger trap, but others are more prone to the fear trap. They might also shut down, go inside themselves, and detach or disengage from their child. Later, they experience deep shame and embarrassment for their role in the family’s conflict.

Often, a caregiver’s own triggers and emotions surrounding a child’s behavior can spike unhelpful urges and reactions. That’s why Sasser suggests pausing before acting to determine: Can I regulate myself enough in this moment to not make the situation worse?

That regulation is critical since escalation intensifies everything. For example, even talking in an irritated way can heighten everyone’s emotions.

“It’s like throwing fuel on the fire of your own rage,” he says.

Self-regulation efforts are not about detaching or suppressing one’s feelings, he cautioned. Kids often perceive when a parent is externally calm, but secretly simmering with frustration or withering with fear. Another common misstep: Trying to calm yourself after an escalation cycle has already started. At that point, a parent might already be struggling with feelings of shame, guilt or embarrassment, which can complicate the process.

Instead, try to catch your child’s behaviors — and your responses — earlier in the chain, well before you lose your cool. For example, did your child not respond when their name was called? Did they groan or grunt when you asked them to do something? These are the moments when regulation should begin, not in the throes of a tantrum.

If you feel yourself escalating, try taking the opposite approach. For example, when you experience the urge to yell, whisper. Instead of repeating a command for the fifth time, sprinkle in some humor to ease the tension.

Take a breather, but stay engaged

While it might be tempting to escape a tense situation entirely, try to remain in the game, while adding some room for reflection. Communicate that you have a task to work on, such as tidying the living room or washing the dishes. (Sasser jokes that a trip to the bathroom can work, too.) This way, you’re staying close in case the behavior shifts and you can quickly jump in and praise the effort.

“There isn’t a process of stepping away and using a coping strategy,” he says. “You’ve got to parent; you’ve got to be in the game. Can I engage in self-regulation while I’m on the court?”

Even waiting 1 to 5 minutes before acting can make a big difference. That delay means you might have to let a situation play out longer than you’d like, and face the fears that something bad will happen in those moments.

“That’s your justification for intervening,” he says. “But where has that gotten you?”

Shift your mindset

While you’re taking a beat, identify how your emotions and self-talk are driving your urges. How does your temperament, upbringing, identity and lived experiences shape the lens through which you view the present situation? What inner dialogues — for example, “Am I failing as a parent?” — alter your response? You might consider the probability that the worst-case scenario will actually come true. What are you afraid is going to happen? How could you influence it, even by degrees? Then, if it does happen, how would you cope?

Parents can also replace negative self-talk that could escalate a situation with helpful, empowering thoughts such as “It’s not personal,” “I can do hard things,” or “I’m breaking a cycle.”

Another key step in the process is the recognition that true behavioral shifts take time. Behavior change happens over weeks and months, not minutes or days.

“Immediate change is a fantasy,” Sasser says. “Sometimes we get lucky and get immediate change, but then come to expect it, as if we’re entitled to immediate change. But that’s not how child development works. Gradual change is what we know to be the case for behavioral intervention.”

Once you’ve regained composure, you can reengage with the evidence-based behavioral strategies you’ve learned and practiced for, such as special one-on-one time or reinforcement. Ideally, you’ve communicated any possible consequences with your child in advance, and ensured they are manageable and the smallest possible.

The work matters

Parental regulation is important for everyone, and has short- and long-term implications. In the moment, a regulated reaction can help defuse a heated situation. Children are more likely to regulate themselves and even apologize when a parent stays calm. On the flip side, harsh words and consequences will likely extend the tension or exacerbate the problem.

The ability to stick with evidence-based behavioral strategies — even when they take time to stick — will yield long-term benefits. Plus, modeling that regulation can influence a children’s own responses as they mimic parents’ reactions.

In the longer term, maintaining control can help improve a parent’s sense of identity and reduce feelings of shame or embarrassment that arise from “losing it.” Ultimately, the goal isn’t perfection, but achieving more regulated moments over time.

“How you show up matters enormously for your child’s development in the big picture,” Sasser says. “And, how you see yourself matters for you and your well-being as a person, as a human.”